It's less than a month until Christmas

It's not long until Christmas now, just less than a month in fact and I'm planning what will be on the table of the day. The thoughts at the moment are few and far between because I'm so used to alcohol being used in the Christmas cooking, the Christmas refreshments, what is drunk before, during and after every single thing, from getting out of bed, breaking wind, I'm sure that you get the idea.

It won't stop it being Christmas though, it'll just be a little different to what I'm used to. I'll make sure that there's plenty tea and coffee, hundreds of cans of coke and if anyone visits then I'm sure that I'll find something for them too :))

It is always a good time of year and, as usual, fingers crossed for lots of snow!!!

Two tins of cider

Don't get me wrong by the title. I've just come across two tins of cider and a small tin of gin and tonic (The G&T knows who it belongs to ;) ) sitting in the back of the fridge. There is no point throwing them out because then there will be someone popping round for a chat and I won't be able to offer them a drink, other than the usual "tea or coffee" routine. They may well sit for a long, long time but you never know..... I might get a visitor yet.

In the time spent waiting I'll stick with the hot drinks though. Milk and two will do no harm at all.

Short story

Not a lot to say today, other than the the fact that it's now one hundred and thirty-three days days off of the bevy. That's about nineteen weeks now, I'm pleased.

Think that I'll put the kettle on :))

What’s a drink problem?

What’s a drink problem? Good question, one that took me what, thirty years to get a handle on. When I started drinking I was the same as everyone else, I poured it down my throat as fast as I could until I passed out. Everyone enjoyed it thoroughly but they grew out of it. Don’t get me wrong, they continued to enjoy a drink but a drink for them became perhaps a couple of pints or a half and a half.

Me, I never settled down, I never started to drink a “sensible” amount. Was I an alki from day one, was it used to mask the depression that it took me decades to discover, I don’t know. The one thing that I do know is that if I had realised just what was going on, twenty or thirty years ago then things would be different.

If I had been aware then I would have realised the stupidity of my actions, I would have realised that I was spending all of my wages on alcohol and I would have attempted to do something about it.

I might not have been successful at that point but I would know that, in my heart,  I had tried.

I found out the truth a few years ago. It was surprisingly difficult to take it on board and understand that, yes, I’m an alcoholic but I did. I got to grips with it and gave up the drink in 2009. I have fallen off the horse since then but have been off the drink for what, sixteen or seventeen weeks now. I haven’t worked out how many weeks the counter above is telling me as it’s not really important. It’s only important that I’m still off the drink.

I’ll always be an alcoholic now. Right up until I die.

But if I get it right then I’ll be a sober one.

Drifting away

I've stayed away from the evil drink for just over sixteen weeks now and I must admit that the feelings of pride and pleasure that I would normally experience, having been off the drink for so long are drifting away. Perhaps there is a little boredom involved as it is no longer a problem - or so it seems, is that really part of the trap?

At least I am aware that when you have a problem with alcohol, you have to remain on your toes, it's just too easy to see yourself as "Cured" or no longer an alcoholic.

Ha, bullshit!!!

I am an alki and will be for the rest of my life. It will continue to drift away but the problem will still exist and the traps will continue to appear. I have to remain aware of that, I can, in no way, allow myself to forget that.

I bought some cans of coke today and when I got home they went straight into the fridge. I'm looking forward to one, nicely chilled.

The strongest I drink now.

Sunshine

It is such nice weather today so I took a stroll down to the shop to get a few treats, tins of coke, crisps, that sort of thing. I have to walk past the hotel to get to the shop and I must admit that being such a lovely day, it would have been nice to have taken a seat in the front garden with a cup of tea and perhaps a biscuit.

Beer? Cider?

No thanks, I'm an alcoholic so I don't drink alcohol.

And I've just noticed how long it is since I had my last drink, since I sobered up, dried out, whatever. I'm pleased, very, very pleased.

Milk and two for me, please.

It's Autumn

It's autumn time now but the weather is so good that it really is unbelievable. It's sunny, warm and still, really beautiful but more to the point, I haven't fallen by the wayside. I have not broken or given in, I have not drunk any alcohol because we don't get on together and we never will. I am grateful that I accept that as fact because there were decades that I went through, pissed, unaware of the situation or ignoring it.

I don't now, I know that I cannot cope with alcohol.

Nearly twelve weeks and feeling good

Tomorrow, at around 3.00pm, I will have been off the drink, the demon alcohol for twelve weeks and I'm pretty pleased about that. There have been difficult moments but most of the time has been okay. It will continue to get easier and easier but I won't really notice this until I sit down and think about it.

It does still annoy me to think that I was off the drink for over a year before I fell off the horse pretty badly, well, pretty badly by my thoughts. It was also quite difficult to climb back on which is a lesson in itself I suppose. Not something that I want to go through again.

I have been down to the pub in town two or three times lately and it's been good to do that. Socially it makes a big difference. I meet and talk to people, some that I know and some that I've never met before which is great, it makes you into a (relatively) normal human being.

Now, if only I can make the normal bit last awhile.

Going back soon

It's a couple of weeks before I go back to uni and I'm looking forward to it. A little more sensibility in life when I'm there, less time sitting here at home wondering just what to do next.

When there are times like that, to sit around wondering just what to do it is all too easy to drift away and start the alcohol dreams - and once started they have a tendency to go from bad to worse - not a good sign, too easy to wander down to the hotel for a half and a half, or down to the shop for a wee carry-out.

Both of these are deadly as they are never what is promised on the label. The label will say "A couple of pint's" or "A half and a half" and in reality what they are set out to be is total unconsciousness. Let's be honest about it, let's accept just what alcoholism really does to you. It causes alcohol-driven unconsciousness, as regularly as possible.

That means that there is no money to feed you or your family, no money to pay the rent or the rest of the bills.

Just as well that I took on board the problem that I had. Pity it took so long to get through to me.

If you have a drink problem, what are you going to do about it?

It's a beautiful sunny Sunday

Today it's a beautiful sunny Sunday, calm and warm and perfect for a short walk along to the hotel for a couple of pints in the garden outside. Personally, I think that I'll skip it today.

Today is one of those days that, if offered alcoholic drink, I'd dive in. These days come and go and it's no big deal. When it's like this then I just steer away from hotels, bars, whatever. If I were in town at the moment then I would go to the cafe for a coffee and a bacon roll.

Sometimes I do go to the alcohol shop - and I happily drink coke or coffee, whatever I fancy but I do my best to keep away from the demon drink because when I go that way then I'm in the shit.

Just noticed that in about one and a quarter hours I'll have been off the drink for sixty-four days. Takes a lot of tea to fill up that length of time.

Alcohol-free for fifty-eight days

At this point I have been free from alcohol for fifty-eight and three-quarter days and I feel pretty good about it too. I have to be careful though, if I feel too good then it's easy to trip myself up and then I will end up back in the shit again. That means that I must remain aware of reality and where the traps are for me to avoid.

For instance, today I got the bus into town so that I could pop into uni and deal with restarting this year. Once that was dealt with I did the shopping and cancelled starvation for the week. Now I am in the library and will be here for three hours or so, waiting until it's time for the bus to take me home. This has been a difficult time in the past. The three hours that I have to spend here can be a long three hours and it is easy to promise yourself a cup of coffee or a can of coke and a chat with your friends in the pub and I do have to do that sometimes if I want a chat with my friends but sometimes, well sometimes it's more trouble than it's worth.

In a couple of hours I'll see how I feel, whether it would be a good idea to go for a soft drink - I might go for it, I might not, we'll see. I might just take a stroll down to the harbour and gaze out to sea, enjoy the sun and top up the suntan that I don't have.

Whatever I do, I will not drink alcohol.

Cheers.

A dramn on the way out

It's now about seven and a half weeks since I had the sense to stop drinking alcohol again and I really feel good within myself. I still worry that I will trip up and make the same mistakes but as time goes on it gets less and less likely. The worry will hang about for a while. After all, I was totally alcohol-free for thirteen months and decided to celebrate being sober for that period with - that's right - three days on the piss.

We live and learn. Sometimes we have to learn the same thing again and again - and again, purely because the addiction can literally take a lifetime to deal with. Sometimes it is never dealt with. I may die gasping for a drink.

A dramn on the way out won't do any harm, will it?   

Six weeks of freedom

No alcohol has passed my lips now for forty-two days - that's six weeks, or a month and a half if you prefer to call it that.

As time passes I feel better and better about the situation that I found myself in, more and more likely to conquer the problem. I'm pleased with the way that the problem is shrinking - and daily too!!!

Think that I'll put the kettle on again.

Alcohol and drug clinic

Tomorrow I have an appointment at the Alcohol and drug clinic in town. It is something that I do appreciate because it gives me the chance to think out loud. I didn't go last week as Gill, the girl dealing with me was not available for whatever reason. She may have been on holiday but she sent no postcard!!!

That's five weeks that I've been free of alcohol and I feel good about it. I nearly said "free of drink" and a lot of people do put it that way but for me it's wrong, in fact it's stupid. I have not attempted to be free of drink at any time. If I stayed free of drink then I would die of thirst. Possibly sounds stupid but that is the way that I look at it.

And the best thing about going into town - I have breakfast at the Harbour Cafe. Absolute paradise!!!

They don't sell alcohol either. 

I went to the pub

Yesterday was a difficult day. A friend, an elderly chap, had asked me to come around and sort his computer. I was only to happy to do that but it is an all-day event as I live a good few miles out of town and there are not too many buses.

I got into town at the back of eleven and dealt with his computer and and had a chat with him before taking the opportunity to pop around to the library. Then the problem arose.

There were two things on offer to take up the time left before the bus would pick me up and whisk me off home. I could go for a cup of coffee - or I could go to the pub.

In the end, after spending long enough considering my options, I went to the pub - and had a cup of coffee. I felt that was a good decision and still do. I find the pub to be a very social place and if I stay away then they forget who I am, I forget them and my social life is non-existant. Because of that I think it is fair to say that I have to be able to live with alcohol around me. I just have to drink something else.

There will be times when it's difficult to stay away from the alcohol when it's behind the bar, looking so attractive, so tasty.

But - I am an alcoholic.

Just milk please, I no longer take sugar.