Perhaps not today

You know the story, once an alki, always an alki. It does get easier as time goes by but it's still there, in the back of your mind, waiting to get at you, to break you.

And it knows that it will succeed, perhaps not today, not tomorrow but it sits, and it waits and it's ready for the moment to come along. It doesn't matter how quick it comes along or how fast you are to deal with it, you're fucked. If you slip up then you lose. There are very few things in this life that are guaranteed. That's one of them, the other's divorce and either way you're fucked again.

It nearly got me this weekend. Don't know why I fancied a drink but I did. Not an unnatural thing, is it but the fancy was with me all the time, it's Monday and it's still there, hovering, trying to convince me that one or two won't hurt me.

Aye, my arse - I think that I've heard that a few times too often now to believe it. One or two wouldn't hurt me, that's true enough but when did I last have one or two, must have been a while ago now, how many decades?

I fell off the horse last month. The old "Just one or two" promise, you know, a tenner a pint, aye, that'll be right, shining bright. It's at me again today and I've not even had my lunch yet. A bit early to start, whatcha think?

Nah, I think that I'll carry on fighting.

After all, I have to, I can't let it win, can I???

It's fucked me up before

It's a beautiful spring day, the sun is out and the daffodils are flowering. I walked down to the cliffs and sat up top and looked out across the Atlantic ocean for a good long while. It does me a lot of good but I don't understand it. My doctor doesn't understand it either but so what, it does what I need it to do, when I need it done.

If the demand for drink gets to me then a walk up to the top of the cliffs is great, day or night, wet or dry, cold or warm. Who cares, if the weather is that bad then I'll make up a flask of boiling hot coffee and take it with me because I'm sure that you know the score - if the drink gets at you then you have a problem and it has to be dealt with and you have to be the winner.

So, I head up to the top of the cliffs and when I get there I sit down and have a coffee. It's often wet so my arse quickly joins in and in no time it's soaking too. Who cares, what are they going to do, laugh and point? They can kiss it and I'll be the one with a smile on my face.

Regardless, it's a great place to sit and think, to question why you have such a problem with drink, why you're willing to spend so much on it, why you're willing to make such a fucking mess of yourself - and all for nothing.

Sometimes I can see the answer and sometimes I can't but I always know that drink is my worst enemy and I need to stay away from it.

I need to stay away from it because it's fucked me up before.

If it gets half a chance, it'll fuck me up again.