I was desperate for a drink

It started this morning. I was desperate for a drink - no, more than that - I was desperate to be drunk, to be completely and utterly drunk.

Why? I'm sorry but I don't know the reasoning behind it, all I know is that it came over me with a fucking viciousness about it that had hurt in large quantities in it.

There was only one thing that I could do to cope with it and that was to head outside into the fresh air, into the sunlight and head down to the shore of the Atlantic. I sat on the beach and looked out to sea and dreamed, I thought things through and thought about my future.

I spent a lot of my time with nothing but fresh air going through my excuse for a brain but I did get to the other side, tired and worn out from something that I can't really explain. I just know what it was all about.

It was about an addiction that I suffer from, possibly always will do and I will not lose control of it again. I won't let it beat me again.

After all, why should I - why the fuck should I?

Perhaps not today

You know the story, once an alki, always an alki. It does get easier as time goes by but it's still there, in the back of your mind, waiting to get at you, to break you.

And it knows that it will succeed, perhaps not today, not tomorrow but it sits, and it waits and it's ready for the moment to come along. It doesn't matter how quick it comes along or how fast you are to deal with it, you're fucked. If you slip up then you lose. There are very few things in this life that are guaranteed. That's one of them, the other's divorce and either way you're fucked again.

It nearly got me this weekend. Don't know why I fancied a drink but I did. Not an unnatural thing, is it but the fancy was with me all the time, it's Monday and it's still there, hovering, trying to convince me that one or two won't hurt me.

Aye, my arse - I think that I've heard that a few times too often now to believe it. One or two wouldn't hurt me, that's true enough but when did I last have one or two, must have been a while ago now, how many decades?

I fell off the horse last month. The old "Just one or two" promise, you know, a tenner a pint, aye, that'll be right, shining bright. It's at me again today and I've not even had my lunch yet. A bit early to start, whatcha think?

Nah, I think that I'll carry on fighting.

After all, I have to, I can't let it win, can I???