Home brew and swallowing the pressure-fed lies

Some time ago I fancied making some cider and perhaps some beer but was concerned what the outcome of  around eighty pints of home brew would be. It was rather surprising, to say the least.

I was worried that having so much drink in the house would be almost fatal as I believed that I am an alcoholic and would get stuck right into it all immediately it was ready. Luckily, it didn't go this way though. I actually behaved sensibly, having a pint here and there but nothing excessive. This made me question my roots as an alcoholic.

Some years ago, the woman that I am separated from convinced me that I was suffering from alcoholism. It was easier for me to accept this and join Alcoholics Anonymous as instructed by her than to dispute it, so off to A.A. I went and gave up for a while. I must admit that it bored me so I only went for a short while then gave up the A.A, going back to the odd drink.

After we split up I stopped drinking for over a year without any problem but then slipped back to the whisky and the cider. Since then I have been off and on the drink without any problem, without drinking too much at any time, only taking a drink when I fancied one, generally being pretty well behaved, without any effort at all.

A bit of thought on my part showed me where the alcoholism came from. It was fed to me by the wife, for what reason I don't know but it was fed to me and to keep the peace I accepted it, even carrying it on beyond my marriage. What a lot of crap. I should have behaved sensibly and stood up for myself instead of swallowing the pressure-fed lies that were inflicted upon me.

I enjoy the ginger beer that I brew up and my girlfriend likes it too. We also like the other things that I brew so it's time to get some more on the go.

Cheers :))

The alcoholic Scotsman

I was just thinking about what life was like when I grew up in Scotland. My parents did a lot to ensure that I enjoyed my childhood and that I received a decent education but they couldn't keep me away from Scotlands attitude to alcohol.

Socially, it was quite acceptable to drink huge amounts when I was a young boy, unlike today where a couple of large drams is the most that is seen as alright for an evening.

So I wonder if todays slightly different views on alcohol, on the concept of "getting drunk" would have resulted in myself having a different attitude to alcohol and therefore stopped, or at least taken longer for me to become an alcoholic.

I think that there is a good chance that growing up today, with todays social attitude towards alcohol, I would have dealt with it differently when I started drinking beer, whisky and the like. I may well be wrong but as I see it, it's put over that it is not so sensible to get pissed every night, which is great.

Hopefully, the problems of alcoholism will have shrunk massively and won't come back.

Yesterday I was pissed (off)

Yesterday I went to the shop, supposedly to buy bits and bobs to eat but came home with cider and whisky. There is some of each left but not a lot. The greatest (or worst) thing left is the pile of disjointed thoughts that is carried by my excuse for a brain.

The thoughts revolve around stupidity, addiction, weakness and confusion. My so-called intelligence. It really is frustrating because I know that I am intelligent - but, with drink, I am stupid, thick and retarded.

So, I know that I can have one but not both. Inherently, that has been with me for decades but has been ignored from day one because I needed to be able to escape from all the pain and confusion that circled me, just waiting to attack, waiting for the opportunity to get into my mind and strike, wreak and damage. And then? Smile, perhaps a little laugh and skip away until the next time.

And me, left broken and gasping, trying to continue with life but unsure how much further I will fall down the hole of "Death by outright, thoughtless, crass, fucking stupidity." :(

So I drank the drink that I brought in yesterday, well, most of it anyway. I'll finish it today. It's not enough to either blank out or cure but there is always hope, isn't there.

Or is there, is there really always some hope.