Yesterday I was pissed (off)

Yesterday I went to the shop, supposedly to buy bits and bobs to eat but came home with cider and whisky. There is some of each left but not a lot. The greatest (or worst) thing left is the pile of disjointed thoughts that is carried by my excuse for a brain.

The thoughts revolve around stupidity, addiction, weakness and confusion. My so-called intelligence. It really is frustrating because I know that I am intelligent - but, with drink, I am stupid, thick and retarded.

So, I know that I can have one but not both. Inherently, that has been with me for decades but has been ignored from day one because I needed to be able to escape from all the pain and confusion that circled me, just waiting to attack, waiting for the opportunity to get into my mind and strike, wreak and damage. And then? Smile, perhaps a little laugh and skip away until the next time.

And me, left broken and gasping, trying to continue with life but unsure how much further I will fall down the hole of "Death by outright, thoughtless, crass, fucking stupidity." :(

So I drank the drink that I brought in yesterday, well, most of it anyway. I'll finish it today. It's not enough to either blank out or cure but there is always hope, isn't there.

Or is there, is there really always some hope.

Saturday and society

It's a Saturday and I've just had my lunch (two sandwiches and a cuppa, I'm on a diet). Not so very long ago I would have been out of the door sharpish and off to either the shop for a carry-out, or if I was feeling particularly sociable, straight into the local bar for a large number of half 'n' halfs, one of the halfs regularly poured down my throat in a oner and an eye kept on the other to make sure that it hadn't evaporated.

But this Saturday won't happen like that. They don't because that isn't my life now. Tea, coffee and lots and lots of biscuits, enough to bring me out in spots and I'll be happy enough.

No hangover tomorrow either.

And you know what - I feel good about it too, it's the lack of alcohol that causes it ;)