Who thought that they'd conquered the drink?

I had been doing so well in staying away from the drink, in not wanting any, not having any problem with it. Yesterday I got out of the hospital after landing there on Tuesday evening because I was pissed, yet again.

All these hopes, all these beliefs and then the truth comes out. I got well and truly pissed as a fart again. Not too good, eh. Perhaps I do have a problem here after all, perhaps I am a raging alcoholic after all.

Now it’s time to really do something about it. I’m not sure exactly what yet but I’ll find out and take action. Can’t let this continue because if I do it will just get worse and worse.

That would be no good, now would it. Dr Unsworth would give up on me!!!

Yesterday I was pissed (off)

Yesterday I went to the shop, supposedly to buy bits and bobs to eat but came home with cider and whisky. There is some of each left but not a lot. The greatest (or worst) thing left is the pile of disjointed thoughts that is carried by my excuse for a brain.

The thoughts revolve around stupidity, addiction, weakness and confusion. My so-called intelligence. It really is frustrating because I know that I am intelligent - but, with drink, I am stupid, thick and retarded.

So, I know that I can have one but not both. Inherently, that has been with me for decades but has been ignored from day one because I needed to be able to escape from all the pain and confusion that circled me, just waiting to attack, waiting for the opportunity to get into my mind and strike, wreak and damage. And then? Smile, perhaps a little laugh and skip away until the next time.

And me, left broken and gasping, trying to continue with life but unsure how much further I will fall down the hole of "Death by outright, thoughtless, crass, fucking stupidity." :(

So I drank the drink that I brought in yesterday, well, most of it anyway. I'll finish it today. It's not enough to either blank out or cure but there is always hope, isn't there.

Or is there, is there really always some hope.

Alcoholism

I am an alcoholic.

It is nothing to be proud of but it is true, that is me, that is my life, my life very much revolves around it. Sometimes it is the only thing in my life.

I have been one for many years now, probably since the age of around eighteen years of age and I'm now forty-nine. It's a long time to spend pissing it up, isn't it!!!

For many years I just did not accept the fact that I'm an alcoholic, telling people, including myself, that "I'm just a heavy drinker." Bullshit, pure, unadulterated bullshit. I am an alcoholic and wish that I had the sense to accept that two or three decades ago.

There has been time spent off the demon drink. In 2009 - 2010, I managed to stay off the drink for thirteen months but since then it has been coming and going, a month here, a couple of months there. This is rather frustrating as the intention to stay off the drink is there but lately I've been falling by the wayside here and there - and it has been happening more and more often.

And the annoyance, the irritation, the anger that it causes really is infuriating as I accept that I'm an alky and therefore have to stay off the drink, it is not a reasonable thing for me to do, to have a drink here and there as a normal person would do. It would be great if I could but the truth is, because of the situation that I am in, I have to accept that I am not a normal person. Again, the truth is that I cannot have a couple of drinks, either in the pub and then go home, or at home, in front of the computer bfore I go to bed. No, in whatever situation that involves alcohol I pour as much as possible down my throat and the immediate effect of that, once I have become drunk of course, is that I suffer epileptic seizures, caused by the excess of alcohol that I consume.

I have been to Alcoholics Anonomous, the problem being that inthe area that I live in they will say prayers, and as an active non-believer, I find that rather irrelevent. I do use a forum on-line which is good for me as it is available 24/7. I'm sure that you understand how helpful that is because when the need comes over the forum is there for me. If it of any help to you then try http://www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk where there are a number of means of help for you. Personally, I use the forum and do find it useful for me.

But - and it is a big but - at present it is difficult. I have fallen by the wayside a good number of times recently and I cannot explain the reasoning behind it. I accept the fact that I am an alky and I accept the fact that I have to, for the benefit of not only my pocket but my health as well, stay away from alcoholic drink as I cannot consume a sensible amount, regardless how hard I try or how many promises I make to myself. I am not able to drink sensibly at all, therefore, no alcohol.

The largest problem though is staying of the damn drink.

Any suggestions will be gratefully received. Please, any ideas as things at present are getting more than just difficult. Things are at the stage where they are more damaging and destructive than they have ever been before and the way out of this problem, the escape route is getting smaller and smaller - to the stage where there is no get-out - and that means, to me anyway, no hope.

Christ, I need a drink, not just because I'm deperate but because it is now Monday and I am still suffering from Saturdays alcohol-induced hangover and alcohol will deal with that more effectively than anything else. It's wrong of me to go that way but...........