A large coke - and don't get cheeky!!!

I'm in Lerwick, the big toon as it were here in Shetland, to pick up a couple of messages and I've been left with three and a half hours to waste. Right now I'm in the library, doing what people do in libraries without getting arrested but soon I'm going to go down to Da Wheel Bar and drink large amounts of stiff cokes - don't get wide now, what else does a man like me drink in a bar without getting pissed, eh?

Then I'll get on the bus and go home again after having had a good blether to whoever is standing beside me and willing to talk shite to a sober man. You never know, there might be one or two of them, in for the same reason, that be to get rid of and learn to cope with alcoholism. They're not in every night but usually.

I have fallen off the horse once or twice and I will do it again and again but it gets to be rarer and rarer, less often in a month or a year, whichever, but it gets rarer so it's going the right way and one day soon I'll be able to say that I am a sober man.

I hope that it doesn't take too long to get over the alcohol problem. I hate asking for "A large coke." 

Five days alcohol-free

I've been at the drink again since I wrote last time. Incredible just how stupid I can be at times, isn't it. Having said that, I'm on drink-free day five at the moment, with no intention of falling by the wayside again. I know that I've said things like this before but I like to think that this time around there is a lot of determination to win at it.

There are annoying bits in my drink-free history though. I did thirteen months without alcohol between 2009 and 2010, six months in 2011 and a month here and three months there this year. The bit that gets to me is the fact that I managed thirteen painless months and then fell off the horse. Since then I've not even managed half as much but that's so far. This time I like to think that I'm on a winner (fingers crossed) for good. If it doesn't last then it's just an everlasting problem and there are enough of them already.

The longer that I'm off the demon the easier it gets and when you think of the number of people that you know who don't drink alcohol and never have, it makes you realise that it shouldn't be that difficult.

It isn't for them, they're not addicted, now are they?

By the end of today it will be two months sober!!!

By the end of today, if I have behaved myself and the depression has not hit, if I haven't slipped into the hotel while passing or bought whisky from the shop, then it will be two months since the last little slip-up. I'm like you  in many ways, I'm like the rest of Scotland, I can't afford to drink because it's so bloody expensive, whatever it is.

And I am like the other how many people that we all know, the "heavy drinkers", I wonder what sort of percentage of them are just heavy drinkers, as they claim to be and what percentage are actually alcoholics but won't admit it, perhaps don't realise it yet because there is still enough money in their pocket, they've still got a job and they've held onto their driving license.

You would be surprised if you found out the truth there - you might get worried and think about changing your habits.

Go on, do yourself a favour, before it all turns to shit.

I think that I do myself a favour every day that I stay sober, that I stay away from alcohol, from beer or whisky, from the drink that I used to enjoy, before it did turn to shit.

Can't go down that road again.

Please, don't even go to take a look, it's shit getting out of the hole again.

Saturday's a bastard

It is a bastard if you want to stay off the bevvie anyway. If I wasn't staying off then tomorrow would be Sunday, all the time in the world to dry out (or so I would think), tons of coffee and maybe a bite to eat.

But today, Saturday, bastard or not is as good as any other day to stay sober. If I don't then it just screws up the other guff in my life, like epilepsy and depression and all the rest.

I paid all that money for the booze and look what it gave me, all those years ago. Funny, eh :))

Survived last night

Survived last night but it was a bit of a bugger. I made sure and went to bed early so that I wouldn't - couldn't -  fall astray. If I had stayed up then I could have gone to the St Magnus Bay Hotel which is only a couple of hundred yards down the road from me. And the result of that? Poverty. Poverty and pissed, pissed as a newt but I held out on it.

I'll hold out tonight too. I might feel pretty desperate for a wee dramn tonight but it's not worth giving in. It may well be desperate but staying sober causes fewer problems than getting pissed so, although it might hurt a bit, I do know what's good for me.

I've got eight tins of coke in. I'll drink them instead.

And taking the Campral should stop me moaning too.

Not too good

No drink today but the need is there. It's a bitch, it really is. I'll try and have a good dinner, for a start, it won't do me any harm and it'll also give my mind something to work on. That does me a lot of good. Stops me moaning too.

Haven't had a drink for over a month and it's shit, I need one - or ten!!!

Wonder if some coffee will help???

Early night tonight

Think that I'll have an early night tonight. The latest copy of Web Designer has just come in so I'm going to make a pint or so of tea and take it off to bed with me (I've already had an early dinner) and the magazine will be under my arm as I climb into bed.

That'll keep me out of trouble, and booze, this evening.

No complaints about going to sleep sober!!!

The New Years Eve Kick-Off

This is it folks, the kick-off for the New Years Eve celebrations. No messing around here, you can bet on it. Dinner will be a great big fry-up, served with fresh orange juice. There won't be a pudding but there'll be a lot of cake, proudly served with a couple of tins of coke.

No point messing about, I'm in it to enjoy myself tonight, not just tonight either. Tomorrow, the alarm will go off at around seven o'clock and the computer will be warming up along with the kettle. As soon as the coffee is ready then I'll be online, bright and cheerful.

Hangover - what bloody hangover???

Not my style, not my style at all now.

Not always as easy as all that

I got out of hospital yesterday (and was delighted to leave) and have not had another seizure since. I have to live with the fact that the consumption of alcohol encourages me to suffer from more seizures than anything else.

That in itself is difficult because, as an alcoholic, it makes life hard to say the least. But it also puts the truth on the table.

I am not only an alcoholic, I am also an epileptic and there appears to be a link. If I get pissed then there is a great chance that I will suffer more seizures than I would if I remained sober. Staying sober does not get rid of the problem totally but it can possibly improve the situation.

Think that I'll have a cup of tea - and no alcohol - so if you see me shaking or sweating, please don't point.

Alcoholism

I am an alcoholic.

It is nothing to be proud of but it is true, that is me, that is my life, my life very much revolves around it. Sometimes it is the only thing in my life.

I have been one for many years now, probably since the age of around eighteen years of age and I'm now forty-nine. It's a long time to spend pissing it up, isn't it!!!

For many years I just did not accept the fact that I'm an alcoholic, telling people, including myself, that "I'm just a heavy drinker." Bullshit, pure, unadulterated bullshit. I am an alcoholic and wish that I had the sense to accept that two or three decades ago.

There has been time spent off the demon drink. In 2009 - 2010, I managed to stay off the drink for thirteen months but since then it has been coming and going, a month here, a couple of months there. This is rather frustrating as the intention to stay off the drink is there but lately I've been falling by the wayside here and there - and it has been happening more and more often.

And the annoyance, the irritation, the anger that it causes really is infuriating as I accept that I'm an alky and therefore have to stay off the drink, it is not a reasonable thing for me to do, to have a drink here and there as a normal person would do. It would be great if I could but the truth is, because of the situation that I am in, I have to accept that I am not a normal person. Again, the truth is that I cannot have a couple of drinks, either in the pub and then go home, or at home, in front of the computer bfore I go to bed. No, in whatever situation that involves alcohol I pour as much as possible down my throat and the immediate effect of that, once I have become drunk of course, is that I suffer epileptic seizures, caused by the excess of alcohol that I consume.

I have been to Alcoholics Anonomous, the problem being that inthe area that I live in they will say prayers, and as an active non-believer, I find that rather irrelevent. I do use a forum on-line which is good for me as it is available 24/7. I'm sure that you understand how helpful that is because when the need comes over the forum is there for me. If it of any help to you then try http://www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk where there are a number of means of help for you. Personally, I use the forum and do find it useful for me.

But - and it is a big but - at present it is difficult. I have fallen by the wayside a good number of times recently and I cannot explain the reasoning behind it. I accept the fact that I am an alky and I accept the fact that I have to, for the benefit of not only my pocket but my health as well, stay away from alcoholic drink as I cannot consume a sensible amount, regardless how hard I try or how many promises I make to myself. I am not able to drink sensibly at all, therefore, no alcohol.

The largest problem though is staying of the damn drink.

Any suggestions will be gratefully received. Please, any ideas as things at present are getting more than just difficult. Things are at the stage where they are more damaging and destructive than they have ever been before and the way out of this problem, the escape route is getting smaller and smaller - to the stage where there is no get-out - and that means, to me anyway, no hope.

Christ, I need a drink, not just because I'm deperate but because it is now Monday and I am still suffering from Saturdays alcohol-induced hangover and alcohol will deal with that more effectively than anything else. It's wrong of me to go that way but...........