I'm doing OK

I've not had a drink for eleven days today and I'm feeling pretty good about it too. No shakes, no desperation and no great problems having a good nights sleep either.

These things might change tomorrow, they might change tonight, in fact they may well change in a couple of minutes time. That's how difficult alcohol can be, one moment you feel alright and the next it's all changed and you're desperate for a drink. That's where you get caught out and fall in your own face.

Hopefully, that won't happen for a good length of time. It has happened so many times before and I've had to pick myself up, shake off the dust and start again but fingers crossed, eh!?!?

So I'm aiming for no sight of booze. That means no visiting the pub etc, etc. Out of sight, out of mind and all that.

Fingers crossed :))

Another drunken weekend at Costa Fortune

Yet another weekend where drink was more important than anything else. Pissed as a newt for around about forty-eight hours, unsure of what all went down my throat and less sure of what all came back up. Only sure of one thing and that is - today is day one, again.

Don't want no more!!!

When I first gave up drinking it was easy, I made the decision to stop and walked the walk for over a year. Since then though, it's been different, unfortunately. A month off here, two or three months there, even six months once but then I trip up again.

Promises all too often made to myself, like "I'll need to go to the pub to see who's there!!!", only to wake up the next day with no memory of who was there. Or, "I'll get a couple of cans in for tonight." and find out the next day that I've poured twenty quid down my throat. The rubbish and lies that I can wind myself up with are really amazing and I fall for it all.

So, the question has to be, "When will the next day one turn up?" Tomorrow perhaps, possibly next week or even next month?

Why is it so difficult to do again what I did in the first place. Why, when it wasn't a problem then? Why did I fall of my bike after so long? What reason was there for me to trip up then and continue to trip up again and again ever since?

I spent over a year walking the walk, thirteen months in fact, about three years ago.

Will I ever be talking the talk?

The "Cutting down" trick

I have to admit that like so many other folk, the drink was troubling me so much. Not having a beer or a cider in the back garden when it was a nice sunny day and everyone else had what I had so I'm trying the "Cutting down" trick at the moment.

I'm having a beer or whatever and enjoying it. I'm behaving myself and having the odd half pint, nothing silly and if that carries on then great but if it gets out of hand then it's back off the booze again, sobriety strikes again.

I'm also brewing my own beer at the moment. Saves a fortune and you can make it taste as you like it. I'm behaving myself at the moment with all this beer in the house and I'm pleased with myself. There's gallons of the stuff on the shelf and only good behaviour.

When this keg is finished I'll do some cider. Never done cider before and I like it so fingers crossed.

Why not come around for a half?

I wish I'd been a bit more sensible

I wish that I'd been a bit more sensible as I grew through my mid-teens and on. It wouldn't have done any harm for me to have taken a little more care of myself, would it.

I doubt very much if I was the only one that misbehaved and acted the fool, pretended to be a big man who enjoyed a good drink every day, who could drink half a dozen more than you could before breakfast. Kind of silly, isn't it. If I hadn't behaved like that then I wouldn't be the alki that I am now.

The one thing that really gets to me though, is the amount of "Recovering" alcoholics that I meet. You know, the alcoholics that you bump into that believe they are going to get "better." I wish!!!

There are quite a good number of these people around who think that a fortnight off the booze and that's them ready to take on the world again. Then, a couple of months down the line and they have another couple of weeks off - to "cure" themselves again and they're off, no problem, cured again, no chance that they're an alcoholic. Just because they sweat a bit more than is comfortable or that they shake a little in the morning, a week or two and they'll be brand new.

I can't mock. I was one of these people. I would hate to think just how long it took me to find out that I had got it wrong - for thirty-odd years.

Ignorance is pretty stupendous, isn't it :(

I'll skip it, this time around

The last wee while has been alright regarding alcohol. There are always problems, of course. Either you don't want to or can't afford to pay a bill, or the cat, dog or the pet orangutan won't stop pissing on the carpet, regardless, there are always things to bother you but at the moment I'm doing pretty well. I haven't got an orangutan!!!

And the biggest thing that is going the right way? I don't want any alcohol. I could swing for a cup of tea but booze? Nah, I'll skip it, this time around.

If things change then hey, I'll let you know, but at the mo' it's good so, fingers crossed, I'll beat the thirteen months that I did before.

If I die before I drink again then pass the word around, will you?

I've reached the two months now

I've done it, I've reached the two month stretch and I'll be honest - I'm really bloody pleased this time around.

When I first gave up I did thirteen months and I did it easily - and then I fell off the horse. To do a year and a bit without any alcohol I felt was good but then for a good while I was having a drink here, a drink there, sometimes not just "a drink" either.

Then I was six months free and feeling good about that, I was back on the horse and comfortable with it, no problem - until it was New Years Day and I spent eleven hours pouring liquid disaster down my throat. I got out of bed the next day with what I believe is called "A fucking hangover" but I might be wrong there, it might be called worse, probably is when I think about it.

No drink has passed my lips since then though, apart from the usual three gallons a day of tea, coffee, coke and orange juice but that won't hurt me any. That sort of thing doesn't generate a day of hell for the next day, in fact it causes the next day to feel pretty good, regardless of what the weather is like.

I have every intention of sticking it out this time around, to stick it out longer than the last time, in fact longer than the first time. In fact, if I never drink alcohol, booze, bevy, call it what you may again, it will be too soon.

A lifetime too soon.

Middle of the week

It's the middle of the week now and there has been no problem over the last few day. No drink-related ones anyway. I do occasionally have pretty stupid thought like "I could do with a half and a half at the hotel!" but they don't last long. I don't get upset or worked up by thoughts like that either. They will not go away but they will become less regular, further apart - if I stay on track. Otherwise, well you can probably guess, you can see in your mind, pictures of me spinning downhill towards the cheap booze that I don't like but will possibly drink in desperation anyway.

I don't want to do that. I can't afford to do that, either financially, physically or mentally. I've managed to get through it all so far. I know that I cannot take these risks anymore.

If you have similar problems, have a look at Bright Eye, I hang around there a lot and it does me a lot of good.

Go on, give it a try!!!

Saturday's a bastard

It is a bastard if you want to stay off the bevvie anyway. If I wasn't staying off then tomorrow would be Sunday, all the time in the world to dry out (or so I would think), tons of coffee and maybe a bite to eat.

But today, Saturday, bastard or not is as good as any other day to stay sober. If I don't then it just screws up the other guff in my life, like epilepsy and depression and all the rest.

I paid all that money for the booze and look what it gave me, all those years ago. Funny, eh :))

Not too good

No drink today but the need is there. It's a bitch, it really is. I'll try and have a good dinner, for a start, it won't do me any harm and it'll also give my mind something to work on. That does me a lot of good. Stops me moaning too.

Haven't had a drink for over a month and it's shit, I need one - or ten!!!

Wonder if some coffee will help???

On the way home from the hospital

I had an appointment at the hospital yesterday and it all went as expected - 10.45 appointment, seen at 11.40. It's amazing just how many Mars Bars you can eat while seated. Anyway, I came out at twelve, got some lunch and did the shopping then looked at the time, 13.40. Time for the bus, 15.40. That meant that there were two hours to get rid of.

It was not the weather for staying outside so I went to the - pub.

Yes, that's right, I went to the pub and I got it right again. I had three tins of coke and was comfortable with that too.

Don't really want to have to tell you that I was boozing again, do I???

Saturday night

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting, playing with the computer and happy about it too. The strongest thing that I've had to drink is a can of coke - and I've enjoyed it too.

No boozing this weekend!!!

Hopefully, none this life!!!