I'm doing OK

I've not had a drink for eleven days today and I'm feeling pretty good about it too. No shakes, no desperation and no great problems having a good nights sleep either.

These things might change tomorrow, they might change tonight, in fact they may well change in a couple of minutes time. That's how difficult alcohol can be, one moment you feel alright and the next it's all changed and you're desperate for a drink. That's where you get caught out and fall in your own face.

Hopefully, that won't happen for a good length of time. It has happened so many times before and I've had to pick myself up, shake off the dust and start again but fingers crossed, eh!?!?

So I'm aiming for no sight of booze. That means no visiting the pub etc, etc. Out of sight, out of mind and all that.

Fingers crossed :))

No booze for me......

I drank on christmas eve and on the day itself but have remained dry since then. I will do my very best to stay off the demon too. Considering that I was off the drink for thirteen months when I first gave it up, I reckon that I can do it and more, again. This time around I have every intention to stay off it for life because it does you no favours at all. Lets face it, you get nothing other than an empty wallet and a hangover.

So, I'm in my second week of no alcohol, all the way through the New Year and it's working out quite well. No great difficulty, no sweats or shakes and the best one - no hangovers either, so it's hopefully going to be continued for a long, long time. I haven't been to the pub and let's face it, tea and coffee work out cheaper, both physically and mentally, not to mention financially.

I do intend to stay away from the demon drink for a long time. I do not see any point in going back to it, the main reason being that I'm an alcoholic. I can never get away from that, I always will be an alki but I can die a sober one and I can spend more money on food in the run up to that, if I stay off the demon.

So it's cheers to no alcoholic drink and cheers to as much tea and coffee, orange juice and lemonade that I can pour down my throat.

Sobriety rules for me now :))

This sobriety kick is lasting

And the best thing about it is, it's my choice. There's no push or shove in it, I made the decision so there's no problem that's going along with it.

It's good too. Waking up in the morning without anything like a hangover - that is something you never miss - and feeling fresh, ready to take on the world. Getting out off bed and finding that it's true, your hands dont shake anymore, I can cope with this.

I do have the odd tin of beer, the odd cider and that possibly makes them taste a bit better because it remains the odd one and not a dozen a day as it once was.

Keep it up man, keep it up.

Intense interview with a man living on the streets of London, England

I wish I'd been a bit more sensible

I wish that I'd been a bit more sensible as I grew through my mid-teens and on. It wouldn't have done any harm for me to have taken a little more care of myself, would it.

I doubt very much if I was the only one that misbehaved and acted the fool, pretended to be a big man who enjoyed a good drink every day, who could drink half a dozen more than you could before breakfast. Kind of silly, isn't it. If I hadn't behaved like that then I wouldn't be the alki that I am now.

The one thing that really gets to me though, is the amount of "Recovering" alcoholics that I meet. You know, the alcoholics that you bump into that believe they are going to get "better." I wish!!!

There are quite a good number of these people around who think that a fortnight off the booze and that's them ready to take on the world again. Then, a couple of months down the line and they have another couple of weeks off - to "cure" themselves again and they're off, no problem, cured again, no chance that they're an alcoholic. Just because they sweat a bit more than is comfortable or that they shake a little in the morning, a week or two and they'll be brand new.

I can't mock. I was one of these people. I would hate to think just how long it took me to find out that I had got it wrong - for thirty-odd years.

Ignorance is pretty stupendous, isn't it :(

Today, I want a drink

Today, I want a drink. To be honest, I don't just wan't a drink, I want the bottle, I want everything alcoholic that I can get my hands on and if I'm still concious after that then I've not had enough and I need more. I need my unconsciousness, I need to escape my concept of reality. I need my easy road out.

I've not had a drink for what, three and a half months. I drank on New Years Day and that , in itself, was pretty insane and it feels as if that time is on its way again.

There's a bit of a shake to the hands today so I keep them in my pockets, or I keep them busy doing something - usually something pretty useless but hey, if it means that they're busy then it's better than fuck all, isn't it and you or your partner or the person standing beside you won't notice, there will be nothing given away, no physical admission of alcoholism.

Those three and a half months that were free of alcohol went well. I'm pretty annoyed that I drank when I did but it's done now, I screwed up, fell by the wayside, whatever you want to call it. Whatever you say, I'm honest but coarse - I fucked it big-style.

I'm sitting here, looking out of the living-room window, watching a hungry robin helping itself from the feeder and loving it. I hope that I don't break down and head of to the shop and buy my my milk and bread - and something that you all can guess about.

But I could murder a fucking drink right now.

A splash of milk

It is such a beautiful, sunny, warm morning and so often before, in a situation like this I would get myself a can of beer, cider, whatever and go outside and top up my sunburn.

Not now thank you. I prefer coffee, two sugars and a splash of milk please.

My hands no longer shake.

Middle of the week

It's the middle of the week now and there has been no problem over the last few day. No drink-related ones anyway. I do occasionally have pretty stupid thought like "I could do with a half and a half at the hotel!" but they don't last long. I don't get upset or worked up by thoughts like that either. They will not go away but they will become less regular, further apart - if I stay on track. Otherwise, well you can probably guess, you can see in your mind, pictures of me spinning downhill towards the cheap booze that I don't like but will possibly drink in desperation anyway.

I don't want to do that. I can't afford to do that, either financially, physically or mentally. I've managed to get through it all so far. I know that I cannot take these risks anymore.

If you have similar problems, have a look at Bright Eye, I hang around there a lot and it does me a lot of good.

Go on, give it a try!!!

It's a new day today

It's a new day today and I feel good. A little strange as there's no sunshine, it has poured and poured with rain since I got out of bed three or four hours ago and, in effect, I'm trapped in the house.

This does not mean that as an alcoholic I have to go out though. I don't have to go to the pub and supposedly socialise while getting pissed through my addiction. I don't have to go to the shop to buy enough drink to get me through the weekend without the shakes and the sweats taking over.

No, I like to think that I'm past that stage. I may well be wrong (I've been there before...... once or twice!!!) and if I am then I'll find out the hard way and cope with it the hard way, shakes and sweats as mentioned, no, I'll cope.

I like to think that I'm past the stage where I fall by the wayside so easily now. I may be wrong but I hope not.

I no longer drink alcohol.

I do understand what it has done to me. Looking back is an effective manner to keep me off the demon drink.

It'll be a bugger of a night!!!

I won't drink tonight - well, I won't drink anything other than coffee or tea, perhaps some juice if there is any left in the fridge. I won't go to the pub, regardless of how I feel about the sweating and the shaking that is coming on now. If I were to go to the pub then a wee dramn would take the edge of off it tonight and then I would have another large one, just in case, of course, that I hadn't had enough. Or I could consider a carry-out perhaps and then turn to shite in the comfort of my own home.

I would enjoy it of course, spending all that I possibly could until I ran out of cash - and then - well someone might offer me one or perhaps I would have whatever I had bought at home and I'd be, as usual, half-pissed, perhaps not just half-pissed, waking up tomorrow feeling like shit, incapable of facing the day.

No, tonight I think (hopefully) that I shall hang on to the little bit of sense that I'm doing my best to put up with and remain at home, sober and wake up tomorrow in a condition that is at least good enough to cope with the world - and not look like a complete twit, stoating up the road to get something more that's alcoholic, to maintain the belief that I don't have a hangover like hell.

No, tea, coffee, whatever - wish me luck!!!