It's really quite strange

It's really quite strange. A number of years ago I was told by someone in my life, (I won't mention who.) that I was an alcoholic. I accepted that because I believed everything that this person said and eventually stopped drinking because of what I had been told.

I gave up drinking for thirteen months. I gave up purely and simply because I wanted to. In retrospect, if I was an alcoholic then it wouldn't have been quite as easy as that.

So now I'm left a little confused. I am supposedly an alcoholic but I chose to stop drinking and I stopped for over a year, without any problem at all. Since then, I've been off and on a number of times, ranging from one month off to six months off.

When I fall off the horse it's really not a problem, it is purely my choice. No more and no less, that's it, my choice. When I think about it, I'm not falling off the horse because in reality, I'm only choosing to have a drink or not have a drink. I'm not going through hell to stay away from alcohol, never have.

So, today I'm asking myself the question, “Do I want a drink, perhaps a large whisky?”

And the answer?

“Nah, think that I'll put the kettle on instead!!!”

No booze for me......

I drank on christmas eve and on the day itself but have remained dry since then. I will do my very best to stay off the demon too. Considering that I was off the drink for thirteen months when I first gave it up, I reckon that I can do it and more, again. This time around I have every intention to stay off it for life because it does you no favours at all. Lets face it, you get nothing other than an empty wallet and a hangover.

So, I'm in my second week of no alcohol, all the way through the New Year and it's working out quite well. No great difficulty, no sweats or shakes and the best one - no hangovers either, so it's hopefully going to be continued for a long, long time. I haven't been to the pub and let's face it, tea and coffee work out cheaper, both physically and mentally, not to mention financially.

I do intend to stay away from the demon drink for a long time. I do not see any point in going back to it, the main reason being that I'm an alcoholic. I can never get away from that, I always will be an alki but I can die a sober one and I can spend more money on food in the run up to that, if I stay off the demon.

So it's cheers to no alcoholic drink and cheers to as much tea and coffee, orange juice and lemonade that I can pour down my throat.

Sobriety rules for me now :))

Another day without drink or violence

It’s yet another day after the disaster that I mentioned yesterday, last Friday morning when she assaulted me. She was drunk at the time, very drunk and had been since the previous evening. I don’t know if the drink made her do it or if it just allowed her to do it as there is a difference but I don’t care because she just did it with hate in her eyes. That’s enough for me.

I’m an alcoholic, as I have said many times before but I do not lose control when I’m drunk. I’m not perfect but I have the sense to retain control but she apparently doesn’t. Was that the true self for me to see at last. If so, it could have come out sooner and a little less painfully. I don’t mean physically, I mean painfully emotionally, right in the heart.

I have a different view of alcohol now. I see what it can release in us, what it can allow to happen, for whatever reason and the damage that it can create, that it can cause to take place.

I still hope that she can remember what she did and why she did it. I hope that she can deal with the problems that the drink either allowed or caused to happen.

I continue to do my best to stay off the drink. Now I have another good reason to stay sober.

I can only hope for her!!!

Who thought that they'd conquered the drink?

I had been doing so well in staying away from the drink, in not wanting any, not having any problem with it. Yesterday I got out of the hospital after landing there on Tuesday evening because I was pissed, yet again.

All these hopes, all these beliefs and then the truth comes out. I got well and truly pissed as a fart again. Not too good, eh. Perhaps I do have a problem here after all, perhaps I am a raging alcoholic after all.

Now it’s time to really do something about it. I’m not sure exactly what yet but I’ll find out and take action. Can’t let this continue because if I do it will just get worse and worse.

That would be no good, now would it. Dr Unsworth would give up on me!!!

I wish I'd been a bit more sensible

I wish that I'd been a bit more sensible as I grew through my mid-teens and on. It wouldn't have done any harm for me to have taken a little more care of myself, would it.

I doubt very much if I was the only one that misbehaved and acted the fool, pretended to be a big man who enjoyed a good drink every day, who could drink half a dozen more than you could before breakfast. Kind of silly, isn't it. If I hadn't behaved like that then I wouldn't be the alki that I am now.

The one thing that really gets to me though, is the amount of "Recovering" alcoholics that I meet. You know, the alcoholics that you bump into that believe they are going to get "better." I wish!!!

There are quite a good number of these people around who think that a fortnight off the booze and that's them ready to take on the world again. Then, a couple of months down the line and they have another couple of weeks off - to "cure" themselves again and they're off, no problem, cured again, no chance that they're an alcoholic. Just because they sweat a bit more than is comfortable or that they shake a little in the morning, a week or two and they'll be brand new.

I can't mock. I was one of these people. I would hate to think just how long it took me to find out that I had got it wrong - for thirty-odd years.

Ignorance is pretty stupendous, isn't it :(

The alcoholic Scotsman

I was just thinking about what life was like when I grew up in Scotland. My parents did a lot to ensure that I enjoyed my childhood and that I received a decent education but they couldn't keep me away from Scotlands attitude to alcohol.

Socially, it was quite acceptable to drink huge amounts when I was a young boy, unlike today where a couple of large drams is the most that is seen as alright for an evening.

So I wonder if todays slightly different views on alcohol, on the concept of "getting drunk" would have resulted in myself having a different attitude to alcohol and therefore stopped, or at least taken longer for me to become an alcoholic.

I think that there is a good chance that growing up today, with todays social attitude towards alcohol, I would have dealt with it differently when I started drinking beer, whisky and the like. I may well be wrong but as I see it, it's put over that it is not so sensible to get pissed every night, which is great.

Hopefully, the problems of alcoholism will have shrunk massively and won't come back.

I will still be an alki

Over the last wee while I've not done too badly. I've stuck to the tea and coffee, the juice and the tins of coke. When there is stuff like that in the house for me then there's less excuse for the demon drink to raise its ugly head.

It hurts though. The fact that this problem, that I control quite well, will last for ever, regardless of how well I do in staying away from alcohol, I will die an alcoholic. That is the painful bit.

The pain is not justifiable, well, not to me anyway. Why should I make so much effort and succeed in what I am  trying for and still it goes on.

When it comes to the last of my days, I will still be an alki, a bevvy artist - but that's life I guess.

But I will have a bit more cash in my pocket and perhaps less of a beer belly.

There is always hope :))

Today, I want a drink

Today, I want a drink. To be honest, I don't just wan't a drink, I want the bottle, I want everything alcoholic that I can get my hands on and if I'm still concious after that then I've not had enough and I need more. I need my unconsciousness, I need to escape my concept of reality. I need my easy road out.

I've not had a drink for what, three and a half months. I drank on New Years Day and that , in itself, was pretty insane and it feels as if that time is on its way again.

There's a bit of a shake to the hands today so I keep them in my pockets, or I keep them busy doing something - usually something pretty useless but hey, if it means that they're busy then it's better than fuck all, isn't it and you or your partner or the person standing beside you won't notice, there will be nothing given away, no physical admission of alcoholism.

Those three and a half months that were free of alcohol went well. I'm pretty annoyed that I drank when I did but it's done now, I screwed up, fell by the wayside, whatever you want to call it. Whatever you say, I'm honest but coarse - I fucked it big-style.

I'm sitting here, looking out of the living-room window, watching a hungry robin helping itself from the feeder and loving it. I hope that I don't break down and head of to the shop and buy my my milk and bread - and something that you all can guess about.

But I could murder a fucking drink right now.

A difficult bit that I'm going through

There is a difficult bit that I'm going through at the moment. Some years ago, I was told by my wife that I was an alcoholic and that I would have to go to Alcoholics Anonymous to deal with it. Now, at that stage I would do anything that she wanted me to do. She was my wife and I loved and trusted her so off to AA I went, only to find that they were all practising christians - practising right in front of me.

I stuck it out for six weeks until, hallelujah, I was converted and stopped going but now I wonder what that did to my drinking. Was I an alcoholic when I was sent to AA. I certainly wasn't a christian and it was not easy for me to put up with these freaky, raging, holier than though supposed believers, a good few that were born-again idiots.

I wonder what damage that has done, if any I must admit - but I certainly do not believe that it did any good.

When she left me I promptly went on the piss for a year but then stopped for just over a year, and when I say stopped I mean that I drank no alcohol at all for what, thirteen months and it was done with no problem.

The question at the bottom of my heart though, did this cause me to have a problem with alcohol, or to take on or gain a problem with alcohol.

I do wish that I had never gone anywhere near AA.

I also know that prior to that, there was no problem.

A good Tuesday in the town

It was getting to the stage where food supplies were getting short in the house so I decided to go into town and go to the supermarket and buy in all the necessary's.

As usual, all the food required was purchased by about lunchtime and that was when the difficult bit became obvious - again. It can be very hard for an alcoholic to get through two hours painlessly in town when he has nothing to do but wait, it's awfully easy to go to the pub, striding in and come out again crawling.

I went into the pub, chatting to the rest of them, socially and having a very nice time, keeping my eye on the clock though as I didn't want to miss the bus.

When I was there I drank two tins of coke, that was it, no more and it was sufficient for me. My thirst was gone and I was comfortable.

I left the pub on time, smiling and caught my bus ;)

I've reached the two months now

I've done it, I've reached the two month stretch and I'll be honest - I'm really bloody pleased this time around.

When I first gave up I did thirteen months and I did it easily - and then I fell off the horse. To do a year and a bit without any alcohol I felt was good but then for a good while I was having a drink here, a drink there, sometimes not just "a drink" either.

Then I was six months free and feeling good about that, I was back on the horse and comfortable with it, no problem - until it was New Years Day and I spent eleven hours pouring liquid disaster down my throat. I got out of bed the next day with what I believe is called "A fucking hangover" but I might be wrong there, it might be called worse, probably is when I think about it.

No drink has passed my lips since then though, apart from the usual three gallons a day of tea, coffee, coke and orange juice but that won't hurt me any. That sort of thing doesn't generate a day of hell for the next day, in fact it causes the next day to feel pretty good, regardless of what the weather is like.

I have every intention of sticking it out this time around, to stick it out longer than the last time, in fact longer than the first time. In fact, if I never drink alcohol, booze, bevy, call it what you may again, it will be too soon.

A lifetime too soon.

By the end of today it will be two months sober!!!

By the end of today, if I have behaved myself and the depression has not hit, if I haven't slipped into the hotel while passing or bought whisky from the shop, then it will be two months since the last little slip-up. I'm like you  in many ways, I'm like the rest of Scotland, I can't afford to drink because it's so bloody expensive, whatever it is.

And I am like the other how many people that we all know, the "heavy drinkers", I wonder what sort of percentage of them are just heavy drinkers, as they claim to be and what percentage are actually alcoholics but won't admit it, perhaps don't realise it yet because there is still enough money in their pocket, they've still got a job and they've held onto their driving license.

You would be surprised if you found out the truth there - you might get worried and think about changing your habits.

Go on, do yourself a favour, before it all turns to shit.

I think that I do myself a favour every day that I stay sober, that I stay away from alcohol, from beer or whisky, from the drink that I used to enjoy, before it did turn to shit.

Can't go down that road again.

Please, don't even go to take a look, it's shit getting out of the hole again.

Middle of the week

It's the middle of the week now and there has been no problem over the last few day. No drink-related ones anyway. I do occasionally have pretty stupid thought like "I could do with a half and a half at the hotel!" but they don't last long. I don't get upset or worked up by thoughts like that either. They will not go away but they will become less regular, further apart - if I stay on track. Otherwise, well you can probably guess, you can see in your mind, pictures of me spinning downhill towards the cheap booze that I don't like but will possibly drink in desperation anyway.

I don't want to do that. I can't afford to do that, either financially, physically or mentally. I've managed to get through it all so far. I know that I cannot take these risks anymore.

If you have similar problems, have a look at Bright Eye, I hang around there a lot and it does me a lot of good.

Go on, give it a try!!!

Saturday's a bastard

It is a bastard if you want to stay off the bevvie anyway. If I wasn't staying off then tomorrow would be Sunday, all the time in the world to dry out (or so I would think), tons of coffee and maybe a bite to eat.

But today, Saturday, bastard or not is as good as any other day to stay sober. If I don't then it just screws up the other guff in my life, like epilepsy and depression and all the rest.

I paid all that money for the booze and look what it gave me, all those years ago. Funny, eh :))

Survived last night

Survived last night but it was a bit of a bugger. I made sure and went to bed early so that I wouldn't - couldn't -  fall astray. If I had stayed up then I could have gone to the St Magnus Bay Hotel which is only a couple of hundred yards down the road from me. And the result of that? Poverty. Poverty and pissed, pissed as a newt but I held out on it.

I'll hold out tonight too. I might feel pretty desperate for a wee dramn tonight but it's not worth giving in. It may well be desperate but staying sober causes fewer problems than getting pissed so, although it might hurt a bit, I do know what's good for me.

I've got eight tins of coke in. I'll drink them instead.

And taking the Campral should stop me moaning too.

Not too good

No drink today but the need is there. It's a bitch, it really is. I'll try and have a good dinner, for a start, it won't do me any harm and it'll also give my mind something to work on. That does me a lot of good. Stops me moaning too.

Haven't had a drink for over a month and it's shit, I need one - or ten!!!

Wonder if some coffee will help???

Early night tonight

Think that I'll have an early night tonight. The latest copy of Web Designer has just come in so I'm going to make a pint or so of tea and take it off to bed with me (I've already had an early dinner) and the magazine will be under my arm as I climb into bed.

That'll keep me out of trouble, and booze, this evening.

No complaints about going to sleep sober!!!

I'll die sober and smiling

That's what - a month and three days with no alcohol and I feel pretty good. No desperation, none of the old shakes or sweats but I suppose that they might pop up, now and again.

One thing that does annoy me. When I first gave up, 14th September, 2009, I was off the drink for thirteen months and there was no problem at all, until........... Well, you've all heard the story before. If that story hadn't been there to be written, I would have been sober for about two and a half years. Just now though, a month.

I will get there though. I'll get past the two and a half years and I'll be smiling. I intend to get past ten years while sober and smiling.

I'll die sober and smiling.

Then I'll have fun :))

Nearly a month

That is very nearly a full month off the demon drink. A month off and no problems either. No shaking, no sweating and no desperation in my heart for a damn drink.

When I drank at the New Year I really fell off the horse and it was a bloody sore landing too. I suffered both mentally and physically but I've shaken the dust off now and plan to last a good long time sober, with my life in the control that I need for it. I need to stay sober because I can't stay drunk.

Possibly until after I pass away :))

I was in Lerwick, sober

I had to go into town today to bank a cheque. Here in Shetland I caught the 10.00 bus in, which dropped me off at about 11.00 in Lerwick. I banked the cheque and then went for a great big fried breakfast at the Harbour Café, oh, it was magic.

The bus home again was at 15.40 so to waste some time I first went to the library and then to the Co-op. I took the bag of food that I had bought down to the bus station and then - and then I went to the pub where I poured a tin of coke down my throat and finished off with a cup of coffee.

I'm pleased with myself today.

I came home both sober and happy.