Sorry that I haven't blogged for a few days

Hi everyone

Sorry that I haven't blogged for a few days but I have moved site and am now blogging at http://alcoholaddiction-george.co.uk Hope that you find it ok and if you like it then please let me know. If you don't like the new site then can you let me know that too and I'll take on board what you have to say and do what I can to correct anything that I'm getting wrong.

Cheers :))

I was desperate for a drink

It started this morning. I was desperate for a drink - no, more than that - I was desperate to be drunk, to be completely and utterly drunk.

Why? I'm sorry but I don't know the reasoning behind it, all I know is that it came over me with a fucking viciousness about it that had hurt in large quantities in it.

There was only one thing that I could do to cope with it and that was to head outside into the fresh air, into the sunlight and head down to the shore of the Atlantic. I sat on the beach and looked out to sea and dreamed, I thought things through and thought about my future.

I spent a lot of my time with nothing but fresh air going through my excuse for a brain but I did get to the other side, tired and worn out from something that I can't really explain. I just know what it was all about.

It was about an addiction that I suffer from, possibly always will do and I will not lose control of it again. I won't let it beat me again.

After all, why should I - why the fuck should I?

Drink-free!!!

No drink for about three weeks now and feeling pretty good about it too. No drink means no drunk so it's a double bonus. I'm going to carry on for as long as I can because I want to beat my longest time, thirteen months sober. We'll see what happens at the end of that, perhaps the choice to do another thirteen months. Now, that would be good, wouldn't it!!!

The Alcoholic

This is a poem called The Alcoholic. It was written by Elizabeth Johnson and it tells a lot of truth about the problems and the life that come with alcoholism. I hope that you can read it and think about the truths within it.

Every morning I wake up and must decide what to do.

Yes it’s early and I have to work, but a drink sure sounds good.

I make it through my job and hold out until I get home.

Then I pour myself a drink and I drink it all alone.

The cares of the day melt like ice within my glass.

I have not time to consider pain or bother with my past.

Eventually I am lonely and wish someone was around.

Drink until I pass out, black out, or fall down.

Sometimes I throw up just so I can drink a little longer.

If a little feels this good more has to feel even stronger.

Yet it never comes back, that initial feeling of ease.

Just eventually get sick and finally fall asleep.

Sounds pretty pathetic huh, why would anyone want this life?

Yet I wake up each day to a new high and create for myself more strife.

I’ve seen where it has led me in the past and swore never to go there again.

Yet as one complete circle back where I started I am .

I see why we are so hopeless what kind of life is this?

Will I ever know normalcy with these chemicals I ingest?

Guess I know the answer, The tools have been given to me before.

Just have to reach out and grab them and know there is no cure.

Yet still I struggle, fighting for breath in what seems a useless existence.

I drink more and more every day not able to stop or resist it.

47 hours I’ve gone in the last three months without a drink at all.

On hour 48 I began my continued and expected fall.

If I could just stop I would have a chance, maybe I could be free.

I laugh as I write these words--- finally free—me?

A slave I am and a slave I will remain—self fulfilling prophesy I know.

How can I make it through this --- where should I go?

AA, yeah, been there before – it worked for a while.

Yet every time I would run away just another case in a file.

Let them help you- go to meetings, get out of yourself.

Maybe I’m just selfish and beyond AA’s help.

Can’t they see that I don’t belong- not there, not anywhere?

Guess we all feel that way—but does anybody really care?

Afraid… I am so tired of that emotion in my life.

I would trade it in at any time- yet I’m sure it’s replaced with strife.

Self pity, whoa is me, I know I am there right now.

Don’t want to exist here forever- somebody show me how!

How to stop the struggle and just surrender to God

It should be easy, I know---- don’t fight it so hard.

It's really quite strange

It's really quite strange. A number of years ago I was told by someone in my life, (I won't mention who.) that I was an alcoholic. I accepted that because I believed everything that this person said and eventually stopped drinking because of what I had been told.

I gave up drinking for thirteen months. I gave up purely and simply because I wanted to. In retrospect, if I was an alcoholic then it wouldn't have been quite as easy as that.

So now I'm left a little confused. I am supposedly an alcoholic but I chose to stop drinking and I stopped for over a year, without any problem at all. Since then, I've been off and on a number of times, ranging from one month off to six months off.

When I fall off the horse it's really not a problem, it is purely my choice. No more and no less, that's it, my choice. When I think about it, I'm not falling off the horse because in reality, I'm only choosing to have a drink or not have a drink. I'm not going through hell to stay away from alcohol, never have.

So, today I'm asking myself the question, “Do I want a drink, perhaps a large whisky?”

And the answer?

“Nah, think that I'll put the kettle on instead!!!”

I'm doing OK

I've not had a drink for eleven days today and I'm feeling pretty good about it too. No shakes, no desperation and no great problems having a good nights sleep either.

These things might change tomorrow, they might change tonight, in fact they may well change in a couple of minutes time. That's how difficult alcohol can be, one moment you feel alright and the next it's all changed and you're desperate for a drink. That's where you get caught out and fall in your own face.

Hopefully, that won't happen for a good length of time. It has happened so many times before and I've had to pick myself up, shake off the dust and start again but fingers crossed, eh!?!?

So I'm aiming for no sight of booze. That means no visiting the pub etc, etc. Out of sight, out of mind and all that.

Fingers crossed :))

He says it all!!!

Tom Petty says it all regarding my attitude to staying off that bastard, alcohol.

The drink won't win now, 'cause I'm in the mood to beat it this time around.

Another drunken weekend at Costa Fortune

Yet another weekend where drink was more important than anything else. Pissed as a newt for around about forty-eight hours, unsure of what all went down my throat and less sure of what all came back up. Only sure of one thing and that is - today is day one, again.

Don't want no more!!!

When I first gave up drinking it was easy, I made the decision to stop and walked the walk for over a year. Since then though, it's been different, unfortunately. A month off here, two or three months there, even six months once but then I trip up again.

Promises all too often made to myself, like "I'll need to go to the pub to see who's there!!!", only to wake up the next day with no memory of who was there. Or, "I'll get a couple of cans in for tonight." and find out the next day that I've poured twenty quid down my throat. The rubbish and lies that I can wind myself up with are really amazing and I fall for it all.

So, the question has to be, "When will the next day one turn up?" Tomorrow perhaps, possibly next week or even next month?

Why is it so difficult to do again what I did in the first place. Why, when it wasn't a problem then? Why did I fall of my bike after so long? What reason was there for me to trip up then and continue to trip up again and again ever since?

I spent over a year walking the walk, thirteen months in fact, about three years ago.

Will I ever be talking the talk?

A large coke - and don't get cheeky!!!

I'm in Lerwick, the big toon as it were here in Shetland, to pick up a couple of messages and I've been left with three and a half hours to waste. Right now I'm in the library, doing what people do in libraries without getting arrested but soon I'm going to go down to Da Wheel Bar and drink large amounts of stiff cokes - don't get wide now, what else does a man like me drink in a bar without getting pissed, eh?

Then I'll get on the bus and go home again after having had a good blether to whoever is standing beside me and willing to talk shite to a sober man. You never know, there might be one or two of them, in for the same reason, that be to get rid of and learn to cope with alcoholism. They're not in every night but usually.

I have fallen off the horse once or twice and I will do it again and again but it gets to be rarer and rarer, less often in a month or a year, whichever, but it gets rarer so it's going the right way and one day soon I'll be able to say that I am a sober man.

I hope that it doesn't take too long to get over the alcohol problem. I hate asking for "A large coke." 

No booze for me......

I drank on christmas eve and on the day itself but have remained dry since then. I will do my very best to stay off the demon too. Considering that I was off the drink for thirteen months when I first gave it up, I reckon that I can do it and more, again. This time around I have every intention to stay off it for life because it does you no favours at all. Lets face it, you get nothing other than an empty wallet and a hangover.

So, I'm in my second week of no alcohol, all the way through the New Year and it's working out quite well. No great difficulty, no sweats or shakes and the best one - no hangovers either, so it's hopefully going to be continued for a long, long time. I haven't been to the pub and let's face it, tea and coffee work out cheaper, both physically and mentally, not to mention financially.

I do intend to stay away from the demon drink for a long time. I do not see any point in going back to it, the main reason being that I'm an alcoholic. I can never get away from that, I always will be an alki but I can die a sober one and I can spend more money on food in the run up to that, if I stay off the demon.

So it's cheers to no alcoholic drink and cheers to as much tea and coffee, orange juice and lemonade that I can pour down my throat.

Sobriety rules for me now :))