Six weeks of freedom

No alcohol has passed my lips now for forty-two days - that's six weeks, or a month and a half if you prefer to call it that.

As time passes I feel better and better about the situation that I found myself in, more and more likely to conquer the problem. I'm pleased with the way that the problem is shrinking - and daily too!!!

Think that I'll put the kettle on again.

Alcohol and drug clinic

Tomorrow I have an appointment at the Alcohol and drug clinic in town. It is something that I do appreciate because it gives me the chance to think out loud. I didn't go last week as Gill, the girl dealing with me was not available for whatever reason. She may have been on holiday but she sent no postcard!!!

That's five weeks that I've been free of alcohol and I feel good about it. I nearly said "free of drink" and a lot of people do put it that way but for me it's wrong, in fact it's stupid. I have not attempted to be free of drink at any time. If I stayed free of drink then I would die of thirst. Possibly sounds stupid but that is the way that I look at it.

And the best thing about going into town - I have breakfast at the Harbour Cafe. Absolute paradise!!!

They don't sell alcohol either. 

I went to the pub

Yesterday was a difficult day. A friend, an elderly chap, had asked me to come around and sort his computer. I was only to happy to do that but it is an all-day event as I live a good few miles out of town and there are not too many buses.

I got into town at the back of eleven and dealt with his computer and and had a chat with him before taking the opportunity to pop around to the library. Then the problem arose.

There were two things on offer to take up the time left before the bus would pick me up and whisk me off home. I could go for a cup of coffee - or I could go to the pub.

In the end, after spending long enough considering my options, I went to the pub - and had a cup of coffee. I felt that was a good decision and still do. I find the pub to be a very social place and if I stay away then they forget who I am, I forget them and my social life is non-existant. Because of that I think it is fair to say that I have to be able to live with alcohol around me. I just have to drink something else.

There will be times when it's difficult to stay away from the alcohol when it's behind the bar, looking so attractive, so tasty.

But - I am an alcoholic.

Just milk please, I no longer take sugar.

No drink today thanks

I'm still off the drink. I haven't slipped up, fallen by the wayside or made a fool of myself again. That makes a big, big difference to me. It means that I'm on target, heading towards a sober, alcohol-free life. That has got to be good.

It is made greatly easier by being involved with Bright Eye , which makes life an awful lot easier for me. I spend a lot of time on the forum which keeps in mind just what alcohol means to me.

I have in the past been to Alcoholics Anonymous, some years ago I must admit and I could never go back. It is a cult religion that entices you to come along and join in with them by telling you lies. They tell you that you can be of any religious belief or of no religious belief and be welcome. They do not tell you that they will inflict their own religion upon you. I left them because of that.

I do not believe in God - your God, their God, any God - but have no problem with anyone's belief, as long as it is not inflicted upon me, forced upon me, as to do that is wrong, entirely wrong. Alcoholics Anonymous  do that to you - or try to.

I will stay with Bright Eye and benefit from it but I will go nowhere near A.A ever again.

I cannot cope with alcohol.

I will not drink any of it.

Lunchtime

During my lunch today the thoughts came by. Lunch was plain and simple, pie and beans and I enjoyed it but - but I also had a great desire for a drink. Not a soft drink or a drink of tea, oh no, nothing like that. No, I wanted a drink of alcohol, any flavour would do.

But the answer was "No", in reality it had to be because let's face it, one drink will lead to another and ano........

Sometimes it's difficult because having a drink, in the bar with your friends is a perfectly natural-sounding thing to do. Having a can with a meal is hardly outrageous, is it.

I'm afraid it is for me. I have to be honest with myself and accept the truth - if I have one then I will either drink my pocket dry or pass out, whichever comes first.

Therefore, I do not drink alcohol.

Can I hear the kettle boiling?

It's been raining

It's been raining since I got up this morning so although it's nice and mild, I won't be doing anything strenuous like going for a walk past the hotel.

That can be the time that I find difficult - walking past and imagining the beer pouring into the pint pot, or a wee nip being poured into the bottom of the glass - and then I can start to have the wrong thoughts. It doesn't happen every time but it does happen. Hopefully it will become rarer and rarer until it doesn't happen at all.

And it won't be missed.

Twenty-nine days off now, I'm getting happier and happier. Any more of this and I'll start smiling.

Last night

Last night was a Friday night and I chose to stay in.

I chose to stay in for no reason other than the fact that I didn't want to go out. It maybe sounds a bit silly but that was my evening last night and I suspect that tonight will be the same. It's rather wet and windy anyway so I can't say that I would enjoy a walk to the hotel anyway.

It'll be an evening in front of the computer again tonight.

With a cup of good, strong tea to keep me from moaning - and it won't get me drunk.

If I drank alcohol then it would be different, life in the gutter is not so good.

Putting the counter in

Today I have spent a couple of minutes putting the counter in at the top there. It keeps the truth in my mind. It means that, despite what I may choose to believe, despite what I may try to believe, the truth is up there for all to read. At present I have had no alcohol for nearly twenty-seven days.

If I'm right then that time will slowly stretch out, it will get longer and longer since I last fell by the wayside - guttered.

The longer that time becomes then the more comfortable life will become. Having said that, I must remember how long I was off the drink for before - thirteen months. Thirteen months and I fell on my own face.

Lesson learnt. The longer it gets, the easier it gets.

But I'm still an alcoholic.

Always will be.

Craving

I was really craving today, craving from the moment I woke up!!!

After lunch it was still with me so I shot out the front door and headed off down the road to deal with the desperation before it got too bad to cope with. I nipped into the shop and grabbed a six-pack of............ chocolate biscuits.

It could have been worse - it's not so long ago that it would have been a six-pack or a half bottle, perhaps a quarter bottle, depending on what I had in my pocket.

Things are a bit different now, or let's be honest, things are becoming a bit different now. I cannot deny it, the thoughts still pass through my excuse for a brain but that's as far as they go these days. Perhaps the Campral (Acamprosate calcium) is making the difference that it is claimed to make. I've been on it for about two or three weeks now so it's maybe a bit early to say, suffice to say that at the moment I feel pretty good but do have to sleep a bit more than what I consider to be normal - not that you get much "normal" around here.


Time for a can of coke now.


More important, it's time to get stuck into the chocolate biscuits.

Oh God, I slept in today!!!

Oh God, I slept in today!!!

Hmmm..... Let's rewind that and start again.

Oh God, I was too lazy to get out of bed on time today. That's better, a bit of the truth does no harm. Don't know what happened, if I had a seizure or possibly just needed more sleep than normal - whatever, I'm late.

One thing I can say and am proud to say is that I'm still not drinking. I still do not want to drink any alcohol-based, so-called refreshment. I'm happy with a coffee or a tin of coke, maybe a fresh orange as a treat. I remember all too well what the treat was before, more alcohol - and I remember what the result was, being sick or falling over, you get the idea I'm sure.

I'll stay away from that for the rest of my puff I think. I certainly hope. Any return and it's a downhill tumble. Further and further into the problems that both alcohol and the addiction to alcohol cause.

I don't want to go there.

I don't want to drink alcohol therefore I won't, end of.

Going to the pub

This morning I went to the Alcohol Clinic (if that's what you call it???) and had a chat with Gill, she makes a grand cup of coffee so I'll be back in a fortnight to see her again!!!

I do find it beneficial as it gives me time to think through my problem, to talk it through with someone who understands the problems that alcohol so easily causes. Something should possibly be done about that because alcohol is addictive and I wonder how many people, just moving into adulthood, actually realise that. If I had been better informed at that age would it have made a difference, would it have made the right difference? In my case I doubt it as my problem was, I believe, linked to depression. That is not true of everyone that becomes addicted to it, becomes an alcoholic.

After leaving the clinic for the alki's (Haha) I went for a quick lunch and then on to the British Legion to meet a friend. I had spoken to Gill about it as it has to be something that I can do, I need the skill of visiting a pub and drinking coke or coffee, whatever, as it plays a large part of my social life. If I can't go to the pub without drinking alcohol then I'm beaten. The coffee was fine though.

I will not be beaten......... and I won't drink alcohol.

I've learnt my lesson.

The start of the week

I didn't write yesterday as, for the first time in my life perhaps, I had nothing to say. Don't worry, I didn't fall by the wayside, it was just one of those days where you choose, for whatever reason, to keep yourself to yourself.

I've really been doing the same today. I've stayed in, pottering away without much to say for myself, other than to claim that my alcohol-free life is doing no harm, in fact it's only doing me good. No hangovers in the morning therefore no dramn required to deal with it and the ability to enjoy soft drinks or tea and coffee all day, as I choose.

So, the week has started well, fingers crossed that it continues.

Without alcohol to prop it up.

It's a new day today

It's a new day today and I feel good. A little strange as there's no sunshine, it has poured and poured with rain since I got out of bed three or four hours ago and, in effect, I'm trapped in the house.

This does not mean that as an alcoholic I have to go out though. I don't have to go to the pub and supposedly socialise while getting pissed through my addiction. I don't have to go to the shop to buy enough drink to get me through the weekend without the shakes and the sweats taking over.

No, I like to think that I'm past that stage. I may well be wrong (I've been there before...... once or twice!!!) and if I am then I'll find out the hard way and cope with it the hard way, shakes and sweats as mentioned, no, I'll cope.

I like to think that I'm past the stage where I fall by the wayside so easily now. I may be wrong but I hope not.

I no longer drink alcohol.

I do understand what it has done to me. Looking back is an effective manner to keep me off the demon drink.

Where the problem came from

I've just realised that I've spent a lot of time talking about my time off the drink and absolutely none about the run up to this problem, which is a bit silly really. A bit silly doing all that drinking in the first place  too.

Like everybody else I started drinking alcoholic things like cider and beer in my early teens. I probably did it because I wasn't allowed to, you know the story - You don't want anything that you're allowed to have. So we went to a local club and sat in the back room and the barman would serve us, as long as no-one could see us of course. I drank like a fish from day one.

Quite naturally, this led to going to the pub with my friends as we became old enough. I must admit that the vast majority of my friends drank sensible amounts from day one but I arrived at the pub a bit of a hardened drinker. Perhaps not a hardened drinker but one that drank to get drunk rather than enjoy a drink and that carried on for over thirty years so there is no great surprise that I became an alcoholic.

It took until 2009 for me to realise that I am an alcoholic because my life revolved around drink to a huge extent that now it's a bit annoying that, in hindsight, I just wasn't aware of what was going on, what my reality was. Or perhaps I didn't want to take on board what was happening, what the "real" reality was all about. I suppose that at the time it didn't exist if I ignored it.

Once I had taken in what the situation was, and I was not in a position to ignore it at that point as I had started to shake and sweat when I got up in the morning (dealing with it with a quick dramn), I spent a fortnight thinking about what I should do, luckily thinking about giving up, then another fornight working out how I would do it.

I decided that the easiest way to deal with it would be to go and see my doctor and as it turned out, that was the best thing I could possibly have done. She gave me some pills to get me through the hard time that the next few days would be as without alcohol I would be screaming for it and the shaking and sweating would be there in force. The tablets did the trick, no problems felt with the lack of alcohol. She also provided me with vitamin B tablets, thiamin tablets and one more that I cannot remember.

The medicine provided, along with joining Bright Eye did the trick. Bright eye did the largest amount regarding the desperation for another drink as it kept me in contact with people that were either at the same stage as myself or had been through it and could therefore offer advice on how I could get through that part of "no more alcohol thanks" which, psychologically, could be difficult to say the least.

As previously mentioned, I was off the drink for thirteen months before falling by the wayside. Now, I'm looking forward to lifelong abstinence because I cannot do anything other than that, the reason being that I cannot drink sensibly - at all.

Time for a cup of coffee now. I can drink as much of that as I like and stay on the horse, if you know what I mean.

Staying sober - Or trying anyway

When I first took it upon myself to give up drinking in, oh, 2009 it started relatively easily and I was alcohol-free for about thirteen months. There were no problems with it, apart from the normal thoughts like, "Goodness, could do with a drink tonight!!!" Where it says "tonight", please read that as either tonight, this afternoon, this morning - or right bloody now!!!

These thoughts waned after a short time though and after that lived only in my memory. That allowed me to stay off the drink for thirteen months and I was justifiably delighted with that. It had not been as difficult as I had expected, it allowed me to feel good about myself which is really beneficial, believe me. I started jogging too, I was certainly benefitting from the lack of alcohol.

Then I had a drink to celebrate my sobriety. Yes, I know that is senseless, stupid, whatever - but it happened. It wasn't just a dramn or a pint to celebrate, to say to myself "Well done!", oh no, it was a pure, unadulterated blinder and took a number of days to come off it.

Then I was dry for a month, had a demon drink again, off for three until it was time to celebrate again and then off for another short time - and it annoys me, it really annoys me.

If, after thirteen months I hadn't fallen by the wayside and celebrated my sobriety with a drink, or if I had some sense and celebrated it with another coffee and a chat here on Bright Eye then the other disasters may well not have happened. If that was the way of it then I would have been sober, alcohol-free, for a year and ten months.

I haven't had a drink for a fortnight now but I feel like I'm almost at the beginning again. That won't stop me though, it won't make it anymore difficult than before because if there is one thing that I have within me it's determination.

I do not drink.

I didn't go to the pub

Today I had yet another appointment at the hospital in town. It went well and I'll be seen again in about six weeks. When I came out I was starving so I went straight to the Harbour Cafe and had an all-day breakfast. It was smashing, really enjoyed it!!!

Then I asked myself what I would like to do next. A difficult question as the pub is just a hundred yards down the road and there were three and a half hours to wait for the bus that would take me home.

I went to the library first and then the Co-op before catching the bus.

I didn't go to the pub.

I feel good about that.

I don't want there to be an "again" ever again

I lay in bed last night thinking about what alcohol, or a "drink problem" really does to you. It is often regarded - by yourself and those around you - quite flippantly, without any reality to what the problem really is, what it does to you and whether you will ever get over it, whether you will cease to be an alcoholic.

Personally, I'm looking forward to a drink-free life but I accept that throughout my life alcohol will raise its ugly head from time to time and when it does this it can be a difficult fight, it can be a real bitch because maintaining the truth, remembering that I am an alcoholic, that I am addicted to alcohol can be hard to keep on board. The actual problem all too often drifts away, you forget what it actually means to you, possibly you have a couple of pints while you think about it and bang, back to square one again.

At present I feel good about the situation. At present alcohol is not causing a problem today, or more to the point, alcohol is not causing a problem right this minute. The very moment that I finish my cup of tea things may well change.

Without reason, without intention - but things may well change. I need to remain aware of this, it's no good forgetting or giving up. The second that I do, I'm in the shit - again.

I don't want there to be an "again" ever again.

A day in town

I was in town for the day today and walked past the pub at lunch-time.

No shakes.

No sweat.

No problem.

Today.

No desire today

Quite incredible.

It has been what, two, two and a half weeks since I last drank any alcohol and I feel pretty good, pretty good indeed.

Why? Not sure at the moment. Perhaps it's the acamprosate, perhaps not. Perhaps it's the mindset regarding giving up the demon drink. Perhaps there is no definable reason and I'm just feeling pretty good, whatever, I'm not complaining about it.

Maybe it's simply because the sun is out!!!

I don't know about you but I don't need any reason to explain how it works. As long as I can stay away from the poison that has cost me so much, over so many years then it's alright by me.

If it changes then I'll keep you posted.

More importantly, if it doesn't change then I'll keep you posted too. That's when I have something good to tell you.

Yesterday I spoke shite

Yesterday I spoke shite.

It is a skill that I have, it's a skill that I stand proud of and quite rightly so!!!

Yesterday I commented on there being no side effects suffered from acamprosate. This was spoken a little too soon. There is at least one side effect and that is tiredness. I don't know yet if it is worth telling the doctor, I'll give it some time yet as it may calm down but at present, after a good nights sleep, in the middle of the afternoon - I'm knackered. I want to go to bed and sleep my life away and it does not feel natural.

A few days at it yet - I'm not giving in yet.

If I do give in, if I do then what have I got left to complain about???

The working level's working

I commented yesterday on the fact that I was then on the working level of Acamprosate but in the back of my mind there was some concern. I was a bit worried as to just what else it would do to me. Twenty-four hours later it turns out (so far) to have been no more than paranoia as there is no other outcome showing head yet.

So far, so good, no desire for drink, alcohol, bevvy, whatever you choose to call it. The idea of having a cup of coffee or a cup of tea is more my thing at the moment.

There are no guarantees in this life but I'm hoping that I'll stand the pace, get away from the alcohol problem and biggest of all - stay away and not drift back.

The dosage rises

The Acamprosate doseage doubled today to its working amount. I really hope that it does the job and stops the cravings striking in the way that they do. If the cravings are kept at bay then I will not feel any pressure to drink alcohol and the outcome will be sobriety, comfortable sobriety.


Just the ticket!!!


I was concerned about how I would feel while taking the working amount but so far it has been fine, nothing to complain about. And no need for a drink - yet.


Let's just hope that it's doing its job.