Survived last night

Survived last night but it was a bit of a bugger. I made sure and went to bed early so that I wouldn't - couldn't -  fall astray. If I had stayed up then I could have gone to the St Magnus Bay Hotel which is only a couple of hundred yards down the road from me. And the result of that? Poverty. Poverty and pissed, pissed as a newt but I held out on it.

I'll hold out tonight too. I might feel pretty desperate for a wee dramn tonight but it's not worth giving in. It may well be desperate but staying sober causes fewer problems than getting pissed so, although it might hurt a bit, I do know what's good for me.

I've got eight tins of coke in. I'll drink them instead.

And taking the Campral should stop me moaning too.

Yesterday I spoke shite

Yesterday I spoke shite.

It is a skill that I have, it's a skill that I stand proud of and quite rightly so!!!

Yesterday I commented on there being no side effects suffered from acamprosate. This was spoken a little too soon. There is at least one side effect and that is tiredness. I don't know yet if it is worth telling the doctor, I'll give it some time yet as it may calm down but at present, after a good nights sleep, in the middle of the afternoon - I'm knackered. I want to go to bed and sleep my life away and it does not feel natural.

A few days at it yet - I'm not giving in yet.

If I do give in, if I do then what have I got left to complain about???

Acamprosate

Hadn't had a drink for a couple of weeks and wasn't having a major problem with it when I was invited in to see the doctor for a review of my problems (which are many - believe me!!!) and the alcoholism, surprisingly (haha) crept into the conversation. She suggested that I started taking acamprosate (brand name Campral), explaining to me how it would go about keeping me off the demon drink. I'm glad for that and have started to take it. I'm not suffering in any way from the drug but am not yet on full dosage. I will be from tomorrow morning onwards though and pray that it does its job.

The annoying part of my drink problem is the fact that I can go for long enough without alcohol and then - wham - I'm in there, pouring it down my throat as fast as I can, in the largest quantity possible. It sounds daft, in all honesty it sounds insane but I've done it for a long time now, lying to myself throughout by telling myself that I wasn't an alki, a heavy drinker perhaps but an alki, an alcoholic - no way, not me mate!!!

It's amazing how we lie to ourselves, masking over the truth regarding what is going on, how much we spend on drink and therefore cannot afford anything else (like food) and ignore the fact that we are going downhill on a very steep slope.

I'm grateful that I have the sense to accept the truth. It wasn't easy to take on board the truth, the fact that I am an alcoholic and the destruction that it has caused to my life.

It's a big, high hill to climb, to try and get at least nearer to where I was in life. It's a job that will always last but I'd rather be climbing up than falling down - again.