Acamprosate

Hadn't had a drink for a couple of weeks and wasn't having a major problem with it when I was invited in to see the doctor for a review of my problems (which are many - believe me!!!) and the alcoholism, surprisingly (haha) crept into the conversation. She suggested that I started taking acamprosate (brand name Campral), explaining to me how it would go about keeping me off the demon drink. I'm glad for that and have started to take it. I'm not suffering in any way from the drug but am not yet on full dosage. I will be from tomorrow morning onwards though and pray that it does its job.

The annoying part of my drink problem is the fact that I can go for long enough without alcohol and then - wham - I'm in there, pouring it down my throat as fast as I can, in the largest quantity possible. It sounds daft, in all honesty it sounds insane but I've done it for a long time now, lying to myself throughout by telling myself that I wasn't an alki, a heavy drinker perhaps but an alki, an alcoholic - no way, not me mate!!!

It's amazing how we lie to ourselves, masking over the truth regarding what is going on, how much we spend on drink and therefore cannot afford anything else (like food) and ignore the fact that we are going downhill on a very steep slope.

I'm grateful that I have the sense to accept the truth. It wasn't easy to take on board the truth, the fact that I am an alcoholic and the destruction that it has caused to my life.

It's a big, high hill to climb, to try and get at least nearer to where I was in life. It's a job that will always last but I'd rather be climbing up than falling down - again.

No alcohol consumed yesterday

No alcohol consumed yesterday, thankfully and no intentions of any today, or for the rest of my life for that matter.

Whether I'll manage that is a different story. I have stayed off the dirty drink for thirteen months before and the question is "Why after that length of time did I fall off the wagon" but I have no answer - well, no sensible answer anyway. I honestly do not know why, after that length of time, I should fall by the wayside.

Of course, there is only one answer. I'm an alcoholic and I always will be. There is little that can be done, as far as I know, to alter that situation. All that can be done is to ensure that the problem is kept under control.

It's not that difficult when the problem is kept in mind, when I stop it drifting away.

When it drifts then I drift - into the pub, the off-licence, wherever.

I will do my utter best not to drift, not to slip up - ever again.

Accepting that I'm an alcoholic

Sometimes it can be difficult to continue to accept that you are an alcoholic. I find it particularly hard to maintain the acceptance if I'm not drinking, if I'm off the booze, if I've dried out.

If I'm off the booze then I wake up in the morning feeling good and can bounce out of bed, enjoy some breakfast and take the world by storm.

Then the problem arises - I forget that I'm an alcoholic. It doesn't appear to matter how long it is since I've last had a drink, these thoughts - or rather, lack of thoughts - occur and off I can go, back down the slippery slope again.

It's a job that I have to work at continually, to keep myself aware of the fact that yes, I am an alcoholic and yes, I will be for the rest of my life and no, it is not acceptable for me to risk going down the alcohol road again.

Sometimes it is difficult to remember. Yes, I have to admit that I've tripped up a few times. I've both forgotten and denied the fact that I'm an alcoholic. I've told myself lies such as "Don't worry, a pint will do you no harm." Hah, I should wish!!!

The minute that I try that one then I'm down the road again and it's always the wrong road, taking me nowhere good - until I realise the mistake that I'm making - again. Will possibly do it again, maybe a few times but I hope not. I can never see myself being able to cope with alcohol again, never able to enjoy a couple of pints with the boys or take the lady of my life out for a meal with a normal glass of wine with it.

Let's face it, what's normal???

In my case, it's a tin of coke or a cup of coffee. There is nothing unsocial or abnormal about that.

After a good weekend

Feeling particularly good after an alcohol free weekend. It's been a bit longer than that but the fact that the weekend went well without any booze means quite a lot to me.

It means that I did what I wanted to, namely, stay sober, that means a difference to me.

It means that I was not only in control but maintained control as well.

And the big bit - I was comfortable the whole way through.

To have done that comfortably and happily means quite a bit to me. It offers a future with something in it. A future with some memories in it, some happy memories, maybe some sad too but memories all the same.

Now it's time to get the kettle on - again!!!

Sunday morning

The sun is out and I'm feeling good. No alcohol for, oh, a day or three and it's good. It's good for me and it's good for my pocket.

Tea, coffee, juice, whatever - does me no harm and doesn't cripple my pocket in quite the same way so I'll just carry on carrying on you know!!!

Coffee???

Life's looking better

Had an epileptic seizure (tonic-clonic) on Thursday so have spent  a good bit of time in bed, resting. Any excuse, eh.

Because of the mood that I'm in, I'm looking forward to an alcohol-free life. It costs nothing in money, just a little heart required. I think I'll stay this way though. I did it for thirteen months before. I will do it for longer this time around. It made me a better man then, I can get better still.

I will get it better, there's a bet on that.

Better get the kettle on!!!

I'll cut the grass

Doesn't really matter what I said earlier, it's changed a bit - a big bit. I really could do with a bloody drink, for no other reason than the fact that I'm an alcoholic.

It's pathetic. I'm an adult with a mind of my own. Four years ago I gave up smoking. No problem, no fuss there but alcohol is a different ball game isn't it.

I'm not suffering the sweats that a lack of alcohol can so often inflict. I don't have a dose of the shakes either, again so often inflicted by a lack of alcohol. Mentally though, I need a drink.

The thoughts continue, they go round and round in the little mind and drive you to the pub or the off-licence, wherever.

I'll put the kettle on and try to keep my mind elsewhere. The grass needs cut.

I'll have a cuppa and get the lawnmower out.

Even I can't come to much harm with a lawnmower.

I slept in

Slept in today. I can live with that, it means that I got a good nights sleep - without any alcohol.

I won't drink today, it's my worst enemy - or enema, depending on how you look at it. I might miss it a bit but that won't do me any harm. It'll make me moan and groan but that's life.

Time to get the kettle on.

Without alcohol.

Not always as easy as all that

I got out of hospital yesterday (and was delighted to leave) and have not had another seizure since. I have to live with the fact that the consumption of alcohol encourages me to suffer from more seizures than anything else.

That in itself is difficult because, as an alcoholic, it makes life hard to say the least. But it also puts the truth on the table.

I am not only an alcoholic, I am also an epileptic and there appears to be a link. If I get pissed then there is a great chance that I will suffer more seizures than I would if I remained sober. Staying sober does not get rid of the problem totally but it can possibly improve the situation.

Think that I'll have a cup of tea - and no alcohol - so if you see me shaking or sweating, please don't point.

Tuesday - and no complaints

Late Tuesday morning now and, God forbid, no complaints. Feeling fine today, probably got something to do with the lack of alcohol. Now let's see what's going now?

How long will sobriety last this time. Having been sober for thirteen months before it shouldn't be that difficult.

Better remember that.

Drunk again

Spent Saturday, Sunday and most of  the day of Monday in hospital after suffering a few seizures brought on by the consumption of too much alcohol during the day and evening on Saturday. Perhaps it's time to learn my lesson (perhaps I should have learnt it already) but that's life as we know it.

No drink now, no falls by the wayside, no making a complete tit of myself.

Sober life ahead.

There really is not much for me to say

There really is not much for me to say tonight.

That's it, I'm pissed, I'm drinking, what more can I say.

Saturday

It's Saturday and I'm suffering from Friday afternoon spent waiting for the bus. Waiting in the pub and unfortunately not drinking lemonade or coffee or anything sensible like that. No, drinking the usual - cider and whisky - and suffering because of it.

I'll try not to use alcohol as a cure for the hangover.

I've fallen by the wayside

Yesterday there was a good dose of depression hovering around and unfortunately this has a habit of leading me in the direction of alcohol. It did it again, it was the winner, not me. I had a couple of drinks in the pub while waiting for the bus to take me home.

Socially speaking, I didn't have too much. I didn't fall over, wet myself or pass out and I remained chatty and relatively friendly but on a personal level, well, on a personal level I had far too much. Personally, any alcohol is too much for me and by drinking any at all yesterday means that I've fallen by the wayside.

I drank a couple of tins of cider and a couple of whisky's, not enough to get me singing but certainly enough to disappoint me.

Today I will not fail myself.

Today I will remain alcohol-free regardless of how the day goes, regardless of how my heart feels.

Today, I will not drink alcohol.

Can't say that about tea or coffee though!!!

Seeing another doctor

After writing the last post in the library, I got the first bus that I could most of the way home and as usual, after getting off the bus I walked with my thumb out. One of my neighbours was good enough to pick me up and bring me about seven or eight miles home.

When I got in I found a letter telling me that I have an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow. This doctor specialises in the link between alcoholism and depression and as I have suffered from both for many years but the connection between the two has never been acknowledged or recognised, this could be very interesting.

It is surprising, on looking back at the times that life got bad, how I appear to have dealt with it. I got pissed, guttered, drunk, whatever so perhaps there is something in this.

I'll keep you posted.

Up early this morning

Up early this morning as I had a hospital appointment first thing. I jumped on the bus at seven-thirty and was at the hospital by nine o'clock - with a bit of a shake, I'm sure that, thinking of alcohol, you can guess why.


I did not get dealt with at hospital because of the condition that I was in. The worst part? The strongest that I drank this morning, yesterday, the last two weeks? Coffee.


That's part of drying out, you've got to face the rough with the smooth I suppose. I return on Friday and with any luck I will be in a suitable state to be dealt with.


I will be sober then too.


I hope that I don't carry on shaking.

I want a drink

I feel crap.

I feel crap and it's caused by addiction to alcohol, alcoholism if you like and I know how to cure it. The method that I would use is 100% successful but - big but here - it leaves a hangover for you to enjoy tomorrow.


Why do I feel crap? Probably because I want a drink - and that, to be honest is the last thing that will do me any favours. And if I drink any alcohol, no doubt with the intention of having just the one, just a small whisky or whatever, then it'll be the old story, the one that I've been through a few times - maybe more often than just a few times - the one small drink will be the bottle followed by unconsciousness and tomorrow, well then I'll come to and get some more to deal with the hangover and on it goes.


I'll stay away from it - I'd better stay away from it because if I don't - because if not then it's all downhill.


I cannot allow myself to forget that.

Yesterday was a pretty shit day!!!

Sunday, yesterday, was a pretty shit day and today is not exactly perfect!!!

Don't worry, I wasn't led astray, I didn't drink alcohol. The epilepsy struck - a Complex Partial seizure I think but I may be wrong as there was no witness to confirm this. It is difficult to be definite about it because I was unconcious, out of it and slept for hours. Will probably go back to bed for a bit more sleep after I've had a cup of coffee.

Got to look on the bright side though - I did nothing to cause a hangover, so I'm still on the right side of sobriety!!!

Are you too?

Sure, there were thoughts

Friday came and went without much of a problem alcohol-wise. Sure, there were thoughts passing through my little mind, thoughts like "Oh, wouldn't mind a pint!!!" or "Just have time to pop in for a large one before the bus leaves." but they weren't that difficult to deal with.


These thoughts will last a while yet but they'll get smaller and smaller. That is what happened when I was off the drink for over a year, it got easier and easier as time passed.


But I made a mistake then, I had a small dramn to celebrate my time off the drink and that was followed by a large one, and maybe a pint and another large one and the story goes on.


Now, I'm a bit further up the learning curve, I'm very aware of the mistakes that have been made and am determined not to make them again. In all honesty, I'm a bit annoyed with myself, annoyed that it went down the pan in the manner that it did, you know, straight back to the old ways - albeit off and on - but still, a return to the old road to hell.


So, the answer to this lesson is simple. I cannot allow myself to forget that I am an alcoholic and always will be - so remember - stick to the soft drinks, the teas and the coffees - they do me no harm.


I am an alcoholic, I do not drink alcohol.

Friday

It's Friday lunchtime and I've just been to the hospital for an appointment regarding problems with my skin. I was seen early, which was great but it leaves me with longer to wait for the bus home.

The bus that I'll get to take me up the road leaves at 17.10 this afternoon and it's now 13.15, four hours to wait. I am very glad that the library offers internet access, it gives me something to do, other than sitting in the pub, consumming alcohol all afternoon, which is a very large benefit for me (and my pocket).

The problem regarding alcoholism is getting further and further under control (again) and this time (just like every time before!!!) my intention is to stay off the drink until the day I keel over, on my way out for the last time, dying. If it is definately the trip out then I may ask for a wee dramn but I'll need to be pretty sure of myself because if I do that by mistake, or by excuse, then I'm on the road downhill again.

When I get home I'll have something to eat and, if the weather is good, I'll sit in the garden with the laptop. If the good weather is gone then I'll stay inside on the desktop. Either way I can not only sit and write but can also remain in contact with humanity as I know it.

That will keep me away from any drink-related problems.

I wish that alcohol had never made a pass at me, picked me up and kept me in such a crap relationship - lasting how many decades and wasting how much money?

These thoughts make me weep!!!

Moving forward

This morning I was up and out of bed bright and early because, again, I was on the early bus into town. There was no sign of a hangover which means that the tea that I drank last night did me no harm, even with two sugars!!!

I’m going to be in town for most of the day so I had better remember that I am no longer a practicing alcoholic – because I no longer take alcoholic drink. Admittedly it is sometimes appealing, perhaps a little more than just appealing – but it is nowhere near appealing enough to take part in again.

It better stay this way for life, as I do not want to take this route again. I must admit that the damage it has done is huge and I do not want to go any further towards rock-bottom.

Won’t be particularly easy to remain on target. I have found in the past that coming off alcohol leads to temper tantrums, tears, shakes and all the other pains but I know in my soul that I'm better off without any drink.


Neither tea nor coffee make me shake, sweat or weep. Alcohol is different. 

Four days since the last drink of alcohol

It's now Wednesday, which I can proudly say makes it four days since the last drink of alcohol - and that will be the last drink of alcohol.


We're only halfway through the day though and it has not been all smooth though, not at all.


A hospital appointment meant that I was up first thing to catch the early bus that would get me into town so that I could get my skin dealt with and that was done and dusted without any problem. Then I always choose to get the next bus north, the problem being that it leaves half an hour after the pub opens. I sat at the bus station and waited.


The next problem is that the bus drops me off twelve miles from home so, as usual, I started walking with the thumb out, hoping for a lift. I actually got two lifts and was home really quickly so a round of applause for the two gentlemen that were kind enough to pick me up and take me up the road.


I'm going to spend a good bit of time cooking this afternoon, which is always an effective way of keeping me out of trouble and will stop starvation for a few days.


If there are any problems then I'll sit down at the computer and write all about it. Fingers crossed that I can stay quiet.

Three days off the drink

The last day that I drank alcohol was Saturday and it's now Tuesday. I feel like I still have a hangover, or perhaps a touch of the flu maybe. Whatever, I still feel crap but that is no excuse to use alcohol ever again. I've certainly proved to myself that I cannot cope with it, I cannot handle alcohol, I cannot have what the vast majority of people see as "A couple of drinks."

I go wild on it and that is not acceptable, is it?

Therefore, I no longer drink alcohol.


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I went to bed sober

I didn't give in last night.

I went to bed completely sober and got very little sleep but I did not give in. I lay there, sweating profusely and stuck it out, drinking no alcohol at all.

Then, I can't believe it but then, I slept in. I was about three and a half hours late in getting out of my bed but I am on the right track. I intend to stick it out, to do myself a favour and stop drinking alcohol totally. I don't suppose that it will be painless, it certainly hasn't been to date but you have to do the best that you can for yourself and if it hurts or causes problems then you just have to struggle on, in my case moaning and greeting incessantly.

I have spent so much time in the past, cutting down, giving up, farting around and making excuses for a quick pint or a large whisky, using often completely ridiculous excuses, believed by no-one but this time I have to stay on track, remain sober, alcohol-free, whatever you choose to call it, for the rest of my natural.

No regrets, no complaints, only the bright light of sobriety saving me, dragging me out of the shit that I have dug myself into.

I no longer drink alcohol.

It'll be a bugger of a night!!!

I won't drink tonight - well, I won't drink anything other than coffee or tea, perhaps some juice if there is any left in the fridge. I won't go to the pub, regardless of how I feel about the sweating and the shaking that is coming on now. If I were to go to the pub then a wee dramn would take the edge of off it tonight and then I would have another large one, just in case, of course, that I hadn't had enough. Or I could consider a carry-out perhaps and then turn to shite in the comfort of my own home.

I would enjoy it of course, spending all that I possibly could until I ran out of cash - and then - well someone might offer me one or perhaps I would have whatever I had bought at home and I'd be, as usual, half-pissed, perhaps not just half-pissed, waking up tomorrow feeling like shit, incapable of facing the day.

No, tonight I think (hopefully) that I shall hang on to the little bit of sense that I'm doing my best to put up with and remain at home, sober and wake up tomorrow in a condition that is at least good enough to cope with the world - and not look like a complete twit, stoating up the road to get something more that's alcoholic, to maintain the belief that I don't have a hangover like hell.

No, tea, coffee, whatever - wish me luck!!!

Alcoholism

I am an alcoholic.

It is nothing to be proud of but it is true, that is me, that is my life, my life very much revolves around it. Sometimes it is the only thing in my life.

I have been one for many years now, probably since the age of around eighteen years of age and I'm now forty-nine. It's a long time to spend pissing it up, isn't it!!!

For many years I just did not accept the fact that I'm an alcoholic, telling people, including myself, that "I'm just a heavy drinker." Bullshit, pure, unadulterated bullshit. I am an alcoholic and wish that I had the sense to accept that two or three decades ago.

There has been time spent off the demon drink. In 2009 - 2010, I managed to stay off the drink for thirteen months but since then it has been coming and going, a month here, a couple of months there. This is rather frustrating as the intention to stay off the drink is there but lately I've been falling by the wayside here and there - and it has been happening more and more often.

And the annoyance, the irritation, the anger that it causes really is infuriating as I accept that I'm an alky and therefore have to stay off the drink, it is not a reasonable thing for me to do, to have a drink here and there as a normal person would do. It would be great if I could but the truth is, because of the situation that I am in, I have to accept that I am not a normal person. Again, the truth is that I cannot have a couple of drinks, either in the pub and then go home, or at home, in front of the computer bfore I go to bed. No, in whatever situation that involves alcohol I pour as much as possible down my throat and the immediate effect of that, once I have become drunk of course, is that I suffer epileptic seizures, caused by the excess of alcohol that I consume.

I have been to Alcoholics Anonomous, the problem being that inthe area that I live in they will say prayers, and as an active non-believer, I find that rather irrelevent. I do use a forum on-line which is good for me as it is available 24/7. I'm sure that you understand how helpful that is because when the need comes over the forum is there for me. If it of any help to you then try http://www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk where there are a number of means of help for you. Personally, I use the forum and do find it useful for me.

But - and it is a big but - at present it is difficult. I have fallen by the wayside a good number of times recently and I cannot explain the reasoning behind it. I accept the fact that I am an alky and I accept the fact that I have to, for the benefit of not only my pocket but my health as well, stay away from alcoholic drink as I cannot consume a sensible amount, regardless how hard I try or how many promises I make to myself. I am not able to drink sensibly at all, therefore, no alcohol.

The largest problem though is staying of the damn drink.

Any suggestions will be gratefully received. Please, any ideas as things at present are getting more than just difficult. Things are at the stage where they are more damaging and destructive than they have ever been before and the way out of this problem, the escape route is getting smaller and smaller - to the stage where there is no get-out - and that means, to me anyway, no hope.

Christ, I need a drink, not just because I'm deperate but because it is now Monday and I am still suffering from Saturdays alcohol-induced hangover and alcohol will deal with that more effectively than anything else. It's wrong of me to go that way but...........