Alcoholism

I am an alcoholic.

It is nothing to be proud of but it is true, that is me, that is my life, my life very much revolves around it. Sometimes it is the only thing in my life.

I have been one for many years now, probably since the age of around eighteen years of age and I'm now forty-nine. It's a long time to spend pissing it up, isn't it!!!

For many years I just did not accept the fact that I'm an alcoholic, telling people, including myself, that "I'm just a heavy drinker." Bullshit, pure, unadulterated bullshit. I am an alcoholic and wish that I had the sense to accept that two or three decades ago.

There has been time spent off the demon drink. In 2009 - 2010, I managed to stay off the drink for thirteen months but since then it has been coming and going, a month here, a couple of months there. This is rather frustrating as the intention to stay off the drink is there but lately I've been falling by the wayside here and there - and it has been happening more and more often.

And the annoyance, the irritation, the anger that it causes really is infuriating as I accept that I'm an alky and therefore have to stay off the drink, it is not a reasonable thing for me to do, to have a drink here and there as a normal person would do. It would be great if I could but the truth is, because of the situation that I am in, I have to accept that I am not a normal person. Again, the truth is that I cannot have a couple of drinks, either in the pub and then go home, or at home, in front of the computer bfore I go to bed. No, in whatever situation that involves alcohol I pour as much as possible down my throat and the immediate effect of that, once I have become drunk of course, is that I suffer epileptic seizures, caused by the excess of alcohol that I consume.

I have been to Alcoholics Anonomous, the problem being that inthe area that I live in they will say prayers, and as an active non-believer, I find that rather irrelevent. I do use a forum on-line which is good for me as it is available 24/7. I'm sure that you understand how helpful that is because when the need comes over the forum is there for me. If it of any help to you then try http://www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk where there are a number of means of help for you. Personally, I use the forum and do find it useful for me.

But - and it is a big but - at present it is difficult. I have fallen by the wayside a good number of times recently and I cannot explain the reasoning behind it. I accept the fact that I am an alky and I accept the fact that I have to, for the benefit of not only my pocket but my health as well, stay away from alcoholic drink as I cannot consume a sensible amount, regardless how hard I try or how many promises I make to myself. I am not able to drink sensibly at all, therefore, no alcohol.

The largest problem though is staying of the damn drink.

Any suggestions will be gratefully received. Please, any ideas as things at present are getting more than just difficult. Things are at the stage where they are more damaging and destructive than they have ever been before and the way out of this problem, the escape route is getting smaller and smaller - to the stage where there is no get-out - and that means, to me anyway, no hope.

Christ, I need a drink, not just because I'm deperate but because it is now Monday and I am still suffering from Saturdays alcohol-induced hangover and alcohol will deal with that more effectively than anything else. It's wrong of me to go that way but...........