The New Years Eve Kick-Off

This is it folks, the kick-off for the New Years Eve celebrations. No messing around here, you can bet on it. Dinner will be a great big fry-up, served with fresh orange juice. There won't be a pudding but there'll be a lot of cake, proudly served with a couple of tins of coke.

No point messing about, I'm in it to enjoy myself tonight, not just tonight either. Tomorrow, the alarm will go off at around seven o'clock and the computer will be warming up along with the kettle. As soon as the coffee is ready then I'll be online, bright and cheerful.

Hangover - what bloody hangover???

Not my style, not my style at all now.

It's two days until the most difficult time

The most difficult time is just forty-eight hours away now. Saturday night is New Years Eve and can be a difficult time to stay sober. Let's face it, it can be a difficult time to stay conscious.

I'll happily be getting stuck in that night, no messing about. I won't be holding back with the cans of coke or the good, strong cups of tea either.

Oh, just about forgot the biscuits - I won't hold back there either, especially the chocolate ones. They might give me toothache but no worse than that.

Drink will be a lot worse though.

Hope you had a happy, sober Christmas

I hope you all had a good, happy and sober Christmas. I would have said this on Christmas day but the electricity was off - again. A good excuse to go to bed early with a tin of coke. It had to be a tin of coke as there was no chance of a cup of tea. Such is life.

Nearly Christmas!!!

Still off the drink but it's nearly Christmas and I can perceive problems there. I can see me going into the hotel to wish everyone a very merry Christmas and only remaining vertical for a short time. Maybe I'm paranoid. 

It's less than a month until Christmas

It's not long until Christmas now, just less than a month in fact and I'm planning what will be on the table of the day. The thoughts at the moment are few and far between because I'm so used to alcohol being used in the Christmas cooking, the Christmas refreshments, what is drunk before, during and after every single thing, from getting out of bed, breaking wind, I'm sure that you get the idea.

It won't stop it being Christmas though, it'll just be a little different to what I'm used to. I'll make sure that there's plenty tea and coffee, hundreds of cans of coke and if anyone visits then I'm sure that I'll find something for them too :))

It is always a good time of year and, as usual, fingers crossed for lots of snow!!!

Two tins of cider

Don't get me wrong by the title. I've just come across two tins of cider and a small tin of gin and tonic (The G&T knows who it belongs to ;) ) sitting in the back of the fridge. There is no point throwing them out because then there will be someone popping round for a chat and I won't be able to offer them a drink, other than the usual "tea or coffee" routine. They may well sit for a long, long time but you never know..... I might get a visitor yet.

In the time spent waiting I'll stick with the hot drinks though. Milk and two will do no harm at all.

Short story

Not a lot to say today, other than the the fact that it's now one hundred and thirty-three days days off of the bevy. That's about nineteen weeks now, I'm pleased.

Think that I'll put the kettle on :))

What’s a drink problem?

What’s a drink problem? Good question, one that took me what, thirty years to get a handle on. When I started drinking I was the same as everyone else, I poured it down my throat as fast as I could until I passed out. Everyone enjoyed it thoroughly but they grew out of it. Don’t get me wrong, they continued to enjoy a drink but a drink for them became perhaps a couple of pints or a half and a half.

Me, I never settled down, I never started to drink a “sensible” amount. Was I an alki from day one, was it used to mask the depression that it took me decades to discover, I don’t know. The one thing that I do know is that if I had realised just what was going on, twenty or thirty years ago then things would be different.

If I had been aware then I would have realised the stupidity of my actions, I would have realised that I was spending all of my wages on alcohol and I would have attempted to do something about it.

I might not have been successful at that point but I would know that, in my heart,  I had tried.

I found out the truth a few years ago. It was surprisingly difficult to take it on board and understand that, yes, I’m an alcoholic but I did. I got to grips with it and gave up the drink in 2009. I have fallen off the horse since then but have been off the drink for what, sixteen or seventeen weeks now. I haven’t worked out how many weeks the counter above is telling me as it’s not really important. It’s only important that I’m still off the drink.

I’ll always be an alcoholic now. Right up until I die.

But if I get it right then I’ll be a sober one.

Drifting away

I've stayed away from the evil drink for just over sixteen weeks now and I must admit that the feelings of pride and pleasure that I would normally experience, having been off the drink for so long are drifting away. Perhaps there is a little boredom involved as it is no longer a problem - or so it seems, is that really part of the trap?

At least I am aware that when you have a problem with alcohol, you have to remain on your toes, it's just too easy to see yourself as "Cured" or no longer an alcoholic.

Ha, bullshit!!!

I am an alki and will be for the rest of my life. It will continue to drift away but the problem will still exist and the traps will continue to appear. I have to remain aware of that, I can, in no way, allow myself to forget that.

I bought some cans of coke today and when I got home they went straight into the fridge. I'm looking forward to one, nicely chilled.

The strongest I drink now.

Sunshine

It is such nice weather today so I took a stroll down to the shop to get a few treats, tins of coke, crisps, that sort of thing. I have to walk past the hotel to get to the shop and I must admit that being such a lovely day, it would have been nice to have taken a seat in the front garden with a cup of tea and perhaps a biscuit.

Beer? Cider?

No thanks, I'm an alcoholic so I don't drink alcohol.

And I've just noticed how long it is since I had my last drink, since I sobered up, dried out, whatever. I'm pleased, very, very pleased.

Milk and two for me, please.

It's Autumn

It's autumn time now but the weather is so good that it really is unbelievable. It's sunny, warm and still, really beautiful but more to the point, I haven't fallen by the wayside. I have not broken or given in, I have not drunk any alcohol because we don't get on together and we never will. I am grateful that I accept that as fact because there were decades that I went through, pissed, unaware of the situation or ignoring it.

I don't now, I know that I cannot cope with alcohol.

Nearly twelve weeks and feeling good

Tomorrow, at around 3.00pm, I will have been off the drink, the demon alcohol for twelve weeks and I'm pretty pleased about that. There have been difficult moments but most of the time has been okay. It will continue to get easier and easier but I won't really notice this until I sit down and think about it.

It does still annoy me to think that I was off the drink for over a year before I fell off the horse pretty badly, well, pretty badly by my thoughts. It was also quite difficult to climb back on which is a lesson in itself I suppose. Not something that I want to go through again.

I have been down to the pub in town two or three times lately and it's been good to do that. Socially it makes a big difference. I meet and talk to people, some that I know and some that I've never met before which is great, it makes you into a (relatively) normal human being.

Now, if only I can make the normal bit last awhile.

Going back soon

It's a couple of weeks before I go back to uni and I'm looking forward to it. A little more sensibility in life when I'm there, less time sitting here at home wondering just what to do next.

When there are times like that, to sit around wondering just what to do it is all too easy to drift away and start the alcohol dreams - and once started they have a tendency to go from bad to worse - not a good sign, too easy to wander down to the hotel for a half and a half, or down to the shop for a wee carry-out.

Both of these are deadly as they are never what is promised on the label. The label will say "A couple of pint's" or "A half and a half" and in reality what they are set out to be is total unconsciousness. Let's be honest about it, let's accept just what alcoholism really does to you. It causes alcohol-driven unconsciousness, as regularly as possible.

That means that there is no money to feed you or your family, no money to pay the rent or the rest of the bills.

Just as well that I took on board the problem that I had. Pity it took so long to get through to me.

If you have a drink problem, what are you going to do about it?

It's a beautiful sunny Sunday

Today it's a beautiful sunny Sunday, calm and warm and perfect for a short walk along to the hotel for a couple of pints in the garden outside. Personally, I think that I'll skip it today.

Today is one of those days that, if offered alcoholic drink, I'd dive in. These days come and go and it's no big deal. When it's like this then I just steer away from hotels, bars, whatever. If I were in town at the moment then I would go to the cafe for a coffee and a bacon roll.

Sometimes I do go to the alcohol shop - and I happily drink coke or coffee, whatever I fancy but I do my best to keep away from the demon drink because when I go that way then I'm in the shit.

Just noticed that in about one and a quarter hours I'll have been off the drink for sixty-four days. Takes a lot of tea to fill up that length of time.

Alcohol-free for fifty-eight days

At this point I have been free from alcohol for fifty-eight and three-quarter days and I feel pretty good about it too. I have to be careful though, if I feel too good then it's easy to trip myself up and then I will end up back in the shit again. That means that I must remain aware of reality and where the traps are for me to avoid.

For instance, today I got the bus into town so that I could pop into uni and deal with restarting this year. Once that was dealt with I did the shopping and cancelled starvation for the week. Now I am in the library and will be here for three hours or so, waiting until it's time for the bus to take me home. This has been a difficult time in the past. The three hours that I have to spend here can be a long three hours and it is easy to promise yourself a cup of coffee or a can of coke and a chat with your friends in the pub and I do have to do that sometimes if I want a chat with my friends but sometimes, well sometimes it's more trouble than it's worth.

In a couple of hours I'll see how I feel, whether it would be a good idea to go for a soft drink - I might go for it, I might not, we'll see. I might just take a stroll down to the harbour and gaze out to sea, enjoy the sun and top up the suntan that I don't have.

Whatever I do, I will not drink alcohol.

Cheers.

A dramn on the way out

It's now about seven and a half weeks since I had the sense to stop drinking alcohol again and I really feel good within myself. I still worry that I will trip up and make the same mistakes but as time goes on it gets less and less likely. The worry will hang about for a while. After all, I was totally alcohol-free for thirteen months and decided to celebrate being sober for that period with - that's right - three days on the piss.

We live and learn. Sometimes we have to learn the same thing again and again - and again, purely because the addiction can literally take a lifetime to deal with. Sometimes it is never dealt with. I may die gasping for a drink.

A dramn on the way out won't do any harm, will it?   

Six weeks of freedom

No alcohol has passed my lips now for forty-two days - that's six weeks, or a month and a half if you prefer to call it that.

As time passes I feel better and better about the situation that I found myself in, more and more likely to conquer the problem. I'm pleased with the way that the problem is shrinking - and daily too!!!

Think that I'll put the kettle on again.

Alcohol and drug clinic

Tomorrow I have an appointment at the Alcohol and drug clinic in town. It is something that I do appreciate because it gives me the chance to think out loud. I didn't go last week as Gill, the girl dealing with me was not available for whatever reason. She may have been on holiday but she sent no postcard!!!

That's five weeks that I've been free of alcohol and I feel good about it. I nearly said "free of drink" and a lot of people do put it that way but for me it's wrong, in fact it's stupid. I have not attempted to be free of drink at any time. If I stayed free of drink then I would die of thirst. Possibly sounds stupid but that is the way that I look at it.

And the best thing about going into town - I have breakfast at the Harbour Cafe. Absolute paradise!!!

They don't sell alcohol either. 

I went to the pub

Yesterday was a difficult day. A friend, an elderly chap, had asked me to come around and sort his computer. I was only to happy to do that but it is an all-day event as I live a good few miles out of town and there are not too many buses.

I got into town at the back of eleven and dealt with his computer and and had a chat with him before taking the opportunity to pop around to the library. Then the problem arose.

There were two things on offer to take up the time left before the bus would pick me up and whisk me off home. I could go for a cup of coffee - or I could go to the pub.

In the end, after spending long enough considering my options, I went to the pub - and had a cup of coffee. I felt that was a good decision and still do. I find the pub to be a very social place and if I stay away then they forget who I am, I forget them and my social life is non-existant. Because of that I think it is fair to say that I have to be able to live with alcohol around me. I just have to drink something else.

There will be times when it's difficult to stay away from the alcohol when it's behind the bar, looking so attractive, so tasty.

But - I am an alcoholic.

Just milk please, I no longer take sugar.

No drink today thanks

I'm still off the drink. I haven't slipped up, fallen by the wayside or made a fool of myself again. That makes a big, big difference to me. It means that I'm on target, heading towards a sober, alcohol-free life. That has got to be good.

It is made greatly easier by being involved with Bright Eye , which makes life an awful lot easier for me. I spend a lot of time on the forum which keeps in mind just what alcohol means to me.

I have in the past been to Alcoholics Anonymous, some years ago I must admit and I could never go back. It is a cult religion that entices you to come along and join in with them by telling you lies. They tell you that you can be of any religious belief or of no religious belief and be welcome. They do not tell you that they will inflict their own religion upon you. I left them because of that.

I do not believe in God - your God, their God, any God - but have no problem with anyone's belief, as long as it is not inflicted upon me, forced upon me, as to do that is wrong, entirely wrong. Alcoholics Anonymous  do that to you - or try to.

I will stay with Bright Eye and benefit from it but I will go nowhere near A.A ever again.

I cannot cope with alcohol.

I will not drink any of it.

Lunchtime

During my lunch today the thoughts came by. Lunch was plain and simple, pie and beans and I enjoyed it but - but I also had a great desire for a drink. Not a soft drink or a drink of tea, oh no, nothing like that. No, I wanted a drink of alcohol, any flavour would do.

But the answer was "No", in reality it had to be because let's face it, one drink will lead to another and ano........

Sometimes it's difficult because having a drink, in the bar with your friends is a perfectly natural-sounding thing to do. Having a can with a meal is hardly outrageous, is it.

I'm afraid it is for me. I have to be honest with myself and accept the truth - if I have one then I will either drink my pocket dry or pass out, whichever comes first.

Therefore, I do not drink alcohol.

Can I hear the kettle boiling?

It's been raining

It's been raining since I got up this morning so although it's nice and mild, I won't be doing anything strenuous like going for a walk past the hotel.

That can be the time that I find difficult - walking past and imagining the beer pouring into the pint pot, or a wee nip being poured into the bottom of the glass - and then I can start to have the wrong thoughts. It doesn't happen every time but it does happen. Hopefully it will become rarer and rarer until it doesn't happen at all.

And it won't be missed.

Twenty-nine days off now, I'm getting happier and happier. Any more of this and I'll start smiling.

Last night

Last night was a Friday night and I chose to stay in.

I chose to stay in for no reason other than the fact that I didn't want to go out. It maybe sounds a bit silly but that was my evening last night and I suspect that tonight will be the same. It's rather wet and windy anyway so I can't say that I would enjoy a walk to the hotel anyway.

It'll be an evening in front of the computer again tonight.

With a cup of good, strong tea to keep me from moaning - and it won't get me drunk.

If I drank alcohol then it would be different, life in the gutter is not so good.

Putting the counter in

Today I have spent a couple of minutes putting the counter in at the top there. It keeps the truth in my mind. It means that, despite what I may choose to believe, despite what I may try to believe, the truth is up there for all to read. At present I have had no alcohol for nearly twenty-seven days.

If I'm right then that time will slowly stretch out, it will get longer and longer since I last fell by the wayside - guttered.

The longer that time becomes then the more comfortable life will become. Having said that, I must remember how long I was off the drink for before - thirteen months. Thirteen months and I fell on my own face.

Lesson learnt. The longer it gets, the easier it gets.

But I'm still an alcoholic.

Always will be.

Craving

I was really craving today, craving from the moment I woke up!!!

After lunch it was still with me so I shot out the front door and headed off down the road to deal with the desperation before it got too bad to cope with. I nipped into the shop and grabbed a six-pack of............ chocolate biscuits.

It could have been worse - it's not so long ago that it would have been a six-pack or a half bottle, perhaps a quarter bottle, depending on what I had in my pocket.

Things are a bit different now, or let's be honest, things are becoming a bit different now. I cannot deny it, the thoughts still pass through my excuse for a brain but that's as far as they go these days. Perhaps the Campral (Acamprosate calcium) is making the difference that it is claimed to make. I've been on it for about two or three weeks now so it's maybe a bit early to say, suffice to say that at the moment I feel pretty good but do have to sleep a bit more than what I consider to be normal - not that you get much "normal" around here.


Time for a can of coke now.


More important, it's time to get stuck into the chocolate biscuits.

Oh God, I slept in today!!!

Oh God, I slept in today!!!

Hmmm..... Let's rewind that and start again.

Oh God, I was too lazy to get out of bed on time today. That's better, a bit of the truth does no harm. Don't know what happened, if I had a seizure or possibly just needed more sleep than normal - whatever, I'm late.

One thing I can say and am proud to say is that I'm still not drinking. I still do not want to drink any alcohol-based, so-called refreshment. I'm happy with a coffee or a tin of coke, maybe a fresh orange as a treat. I remember all too well what the treat was before, more alcohol - and I remember what the result was, being sick or falling over, you get the idea I'm sure.

I'll stay away from that for the rest of my puff I think. I certainly hope. Any return and it's a downhill tumble. Further and further into the problems that both alcohol and the addiction to alcohol cause.

I don't want to go there.

I don't want to drink alcohol therefore I won't, end of.

Going to the pub

This morning I went to the Alcohol Clinic (if that's what you call it???) and had a chat with Gill, she makes a grand cup of coffee so I'll be back in a fortnight to see her again!!!

I do find it beneficial as it gives me time to think through my problem, to talk it through with someone who understands the problems that alcohol so easily causes. Something should possibly be done about that because alcohol is addictive and I wonder how many people, just moving into adulthood, actually realise that. If I had been better informed at that age would it have made a difference, would it have made the right difference? In my case I doubt it as my problem was, I believe, linked to depression. That is not true of everyone that becomes addicted to it, becomes an alcoholic.

After leaving the clinic for the alki's (Haha) I went for a quick lunch and then on to the British Legion to meet a friend. I had spoken to Gill about it as it has to be something that I can do, I need the skill of visiting a pub and drinking coke or coffee, whatever, as it plays a large part of my social life. If I can't go to the pub without drinking alcohol then I'm beaten. The coffee was fine though.

I will not be beaten......... and I won't drink alcohol.

I've learnt my lesson.

The start of the week

I didn't write yesterday as, for the first time in my life perhaps, I had nothing to say. Don't worry, I didn't fall by the wayside, it was just one of those days where you choose, for whatever reason, to keep yourself to yourself.

I've really been doing the same today. I've stayed in, pottering away without much to say for myself, other than to claim that my alcohol-free life is doing no harm, in fact it's only doing me good. No hangovers in the morning therefore no dramn required to deal with it and the ability to enjoy soft drinks or tea and coffee all day, as I choose.

So, the week has started well, fingers crossed that it continues.

Without alcohol to prop it up.

It's a new day today

It's a new day today and I feel good. A little strange as there's no sunshine, it has poured and poured with rain since I got out of bed three or four hours ago and, in effect, I'm trapped in the house.

This does not mean that as an alcoholic I have to go out though. I don't have to go to the pub and supposedly socialise while getting pissed through my addiction. I don't have to go to the shop to buy enough drink to get me through the weekend without the shakes and the sweats taking over.

No, I like to think that I'm past that stage. I may well be wrong (I've been there before...... once or twice!!!) and if I am then I'll find out the hard way and cope with it the hard way, shakes and sweats as mentioned, no, I'll cope.

I like to think that I'm past the stage where I fall by the wayside so easily now. I may be wrong but I hope not.

I no longer drink alcohol.

I do understand what it has done to me. Looking back is an effective manner to keep me off the demon drink.

Where the problem came from

I've just realised that I've spent a lot of time talking about my time off the drink and absolutely none about the run up to this problem, which is a bit silly really. A bit silly doing all that drinking in the first place  too.

Like everybody else I started drinking alcoholic things like cider and beer in my early teens. I probably did it because I wasn't allowed to, you know the story - You don't want anything that you're allowed to have. So we went to a local club and sat in the back room and the barman would serve us, as long as no-one could see us of course. I drank like a fish from day one.

Quite naturally, this led to going to the pub with my friends as we became old enough. I must admit that the vast majority of my friends drank sensible amounts from day one but I arrived at the pub a bit of a hardened drinker. Perhaps not a hardened drinker but one that drank to get drunk rather than enjoy a drink and that carried on for over thirty years so there is no great surprise that I became an alcoholic.

It took until 2009 for me to realise that I am an alcoholic because my life revolved around drink to a huge extent that now it's a bit annoying that, in hindsight, I just wasn't aware of what was going on, what my reality was. Or perhaps I didn't want to take on board what was happening, what the "real" reality was all about. I suppose that at the time it didn't exist if I ignored it.

Once I had taken in what the situation was, and I was not in a position to ignore it at that point as I had started to shake and sweat when I got up in the morning (dealing with it with a quick dramn), I spent a fortnight thinking about what I should do, luckily thinking about giving up, then another fornight working out how I would do it.

I decided that the easiest way to deal with it would be to go and see my doctor and as it turned out, that was the best thing I could possibly have done. She gave me some pills to get me through the hard time that the next few days would be as without alcohol I would be screaming for it and the shaking and sweating would be there in force. The tablets did the trick, no problems felt with the lack of alcohol. She also provided me with vitamin B tablets, thiamin tablets and one more that I cannot remember.

The medicine provided, along with joining Bright Eye did the trick. Bright eye did the largest amount regarding the desperation for another drink as it kept me in contact with people that were either at the same stage as myself or had been through it and could therefore offer advice on how I could get through that part of "no more alcohol thanks" which, psychologically, could be difficult to say the least.

As previously mentioned, I was off the drink for thirteen months before falling by the wayside. Now, I'm looking forward to lifelong abstinence because I cannot do anything other than that, the reason being that I cannot drink sensibly - at all.

Time for a cup of coffee now. I can drink as much of that as I like and stay on the horse, if you know what I mean.

Staying sober - Or trying anyway

When I first took it upon myself to give up drinking in, oh, 2009 it started relatively easily and I was alcohol-free for about thirteen months. There were no problems with it, apart from the normal thoughts like, "Goodness, could do with a drink tonight!!!" Where it says "tonight", please read that as either tonight, this afternoon, this morning - or right bloody now!!!

These thoughts waned after a short time though and after that lived only in my memory. That allowed me to stay off the drink for thirteen months and I was justifiably delighted with that. It had not been as difficult as I had expected, it allowed me to feel good about myself which is really beneficial, believe me. I started jogging too, I was certainly benefitting from the lack of alcohol.

Then I had a drink to celebrate my sobriety. Yes, I know that is senseless, stupid, whatever - but it happened. It wasn't just a dramn or a pint to celebrate, to say to myself "Well done!", oh no, it was a pure, unadulterated blinder and took a number of days to come off it.

Then I was dry for a month, had a demon drink again, off for three until it was time to celebrate again and then off for another short time - and it annoys me, it really annoys me.

If, after thirteen months I hadn't fallen by the wayside and celebrated my sobriety with a drink, or if I had some sense and celebrated it with another coffee and a chat here on Bright Eye then the other disasters may well not have happened. If that was the way of it then I would have been sober, alcohol-free, for a year and ten months.

I haven't had a drink for a fortnight now but I feel like I'm almost at the beginning again. That won't stop me though, it won't make it anymore difficult than before because if there is one thing that I have within me it's determination.

I do not drink.

I didn't go to the pub

Today I had yet another appointment at the hospital in town. It went well and I'll be seen again in about six weeks. When I came out I was starving so I went straight to the Harbour Cafe and had an all-day breakfast. It was smashing, really enjoyed it!!!

Then I asked myself what I would like to do next. A difficult question as the pub is just a hundred yards down the road and there were three and a half hours to wait for the bus that would take me home.

I went to the library first and then the Co-op before catching the bus.

I didn't go to the pub.

I feel good about that.

I don't want there to be an "again" ever again

I lay in bed last night thinking about what alcohol, or a "drink problem" really does to you. It is often regarded - by yourself and those around you - quite flippantly, without any reality to what the problem really is, what it does to you and whether you will ever get over it, whether you will cease to be an alcoholic.

Personally, I'm looking forward to a drink-free life but I accept that throughout my life alcohol will raise its ugly head from time to time and when it does this it can be a difficult fight, it can be a real bitch because maintaining the truth, remembering that I am an alcoholic, that I am addicted to alcohol can be hard to keep on board. The actual problem all too often drifts away, you forget what it actually means to you, possibly you have a couple of pints while you think about it and bang, back to square one again.

At present I feel good about the situation. At present alcohol is not causing a problem today, or more to the point, alcohol is not causing a problem right this minute. The very moment that I finish my cup of tea things may well change.

Without reason, without intention - but things may well change. I need to remain aware of this, it's no good forgetting or giving up. The second that I do, I'm in the shit - again.

I don't want there to be an "again" ever again.

A day in town

I was in town for the day today and walked past the pub at lunch-time.

No shakes.

No sweat.

No problem.

Today.

No desire today

Quite incredible.

It has been what, two, two and a half weeks since I last drank any alcohol and I feel pretty good, pretty good indeed.

Why? Not sure at the moment. Perhaps it's the acamprosate, perhaps not. Perhaps it's the mindset regarding giving up the demon drink. Perhaps there is no definable reason and I'm just feeling pretty good, whatever, I'm not complaining about it.

Maybe it's simply because the sun is out!!!

I don't know about you but I don't need any reason to explain how it works. As long as I can stay away from the poison that has cost me so much, over so many years then it's alright by me.

If it changes then I'll keep you posted.

More importantly, if it doesn't change then I'll keep you posted too. That's when I have something good to tell you.

Yesterday I spoke shite

Yesterday I spoke shite.

It is a skill that I have, it's a skill that I stand proud of and quite rightly so!!!

Yesterday I commented on there being no side effects suffered from acamprosate. This was spoken a little too soon. There is at least one side effect and that is tiredness. I don't know yet if it is worth telling the doctor, I'll give it some time yet as it may calm down but at present, after a good nights sleep, in the middle of the afternoon - I'm knackered. I want to go to bed and sleep my life away and it does not feel natural.

A few days at it yet - I'm not giving in yet.

If I do give in, if I do then what have I got left to complain about???

The working level's working

I commented yesterday on the fact that I was then on the working level of Acamprosate but in the back of my mind there was some concern. I was a bit worried as to just what else it would do to me. Twenty-four hours later it turns out (so far) to have been no more than paranoia as there is no other outcome showing head yet.

So far, so good, no desire for drink, alcohol, bevvy, whatever you choose to call it. The idea of having a cup of coffee or a cup of tea is more my thing at the moment.

There are no guarantees in this life but I'm hoping that I'll stand the pace, get away from the alcohol problem and biggest of all - stay away and not drift back.

The dosage rises

The Acamprosate doseage doubled today to its working amount. I really hope that it does the job and stops the cravings striking in the way that they do. If the cravings are kept at bay then I will not feel any pressure to drink alcohol and the outcome will be sobriety, comfortable sobriety.


Just the ticket!!!


I was concerned about how I would feel while taking the working amount but so far it has been fine, nothing to complain about. And no need for a drink - yet.


Let's just hope that it's doing its job.

Acamprosate

Hadn't had a drink for a couple of weeks and wasn't having a major problem with it when I was invited in to see the doctor for a review of my problems (which are many - believe me!!!) and the alcoholism, surprisingly (haha) crept into the conversation. She suggested that I started taking acamprosate (brand name Campral), explaining to me how it would go about keeping me off the demon drink. I'm glad for that and have started to take it. I'm not suffering in any way from the drug but am not yet on full dosage. I will be from tomorrow morning onwards though and pray that it does its job.

The annoying part of my drink problem is the fact that I can go for long enough without alcohol and then - wham - I'm in there, pouring it down my throat as fast as I can, in the largest quantity possible. It sounds daft, in all honesty it sounds insane but I've done it for a long time now, lying to myself throughout by telling myself that I wasn't an alki, a heavy drinker perhaps but an alki, an alcoholic - no way, not me mate!!!

It's amazing how we lie to ourselves, masking over the truth regarding what is going on, how much we spend on drink and therefore cannot afford anything else (like food) and ignore the fact that we are going downhill on a very steep slope.

I'm grateful that I have the sense to accept the truth. It wasn't easy to take on board the truth, the fact that I am an alcoholic and the destruction that it has caused to my life.

It's a big, high hill to climb, to try and get at least nearer to where I was in life. It's a job that will always last but I'd rather be climbing up than falling down - again.

No alcohol consumed yesterday

No alcohol consumed yesterday, thankfully and no intentions of any today, or for the rest of my life for that matter.

Whether I'll manage that is a different story. I have stayed off the dirty drink for thirteen months before and the question is "Why after that length of time did I fall off the wagon" but I have no answer - well, no sensible answer anyway. I honestly do not know why, after that length of time, I should fall by the wayside.

Of course, there is only one answer. I'm an alcoholic and I always will be. There is little that can be done, as far as I know, to alter that situation. All that can be done is to ensure that the problem is kept under control.

It's not that difficult when the problem is kept in mind, when I stop it drifting away.

When it drifts then I drift - into the pub, the off-licence, wherever.

I will do my utter best not to drift, not to slip up - ever again.

Accepting that I'm an alcoholic

Sometimes it can be difficult to continue to accept that you are an alcoholic. I find it particularly hard to maintain the acceptance if I'm not drinking, if I'm off the booze, if I've dried out.

If I'm off the booze then I wake up in the morning feeling good and can bounce out of bed, enjoy some breakfast and take the world by storm.

Then the problem arises - I forget that I'm an alcoholic. It doesn't appear to matter how long it is since I've last had a drink, these thoughts - or rather, lack of thoughts - occur and off I can go, back down the slippery slope again.

It's a job that I have to work at continually, to keep myself aware of the fact that yes, I am an alcoholic and yes, I will be for the rest of my life and no, it is not acceptable for me to risk going down the alcohol road again.

Sometimes it is difficult to remember. Yes, I have to admit that I've tripped up a few times. I've both forgotten and denied the fact that I'm an alcoholic. I've told myself lies such as "Don't worry, a pint will do you no harm." Hah, I should wish!!!

The minute that I try that one then I'm down the road again and it's always the wrong road, taking me nowhere good - until I realise the mistake that I'm making - again. Will possibly do it again, maybe a few times but I hope not. I can never see myself being able to cope with alcohol again, never able to enjoy a couple of pints with the boys or take the lady of my life out for a meal with a normal glass of wine with it.

Let's face it, what's normal???

In my case, it's a tin of coke or a cup of coffee. There is nothing unsocial or abnormal about that.

After a good weekend

Feeling particularly good after an alcohol free weekend. It's been a bit longer than that but the fact that the weekend went well without any booze means quite a lot to me.

It means that I did what I wanted to, namely, stay sober, that means a difference to me.

It means that I was not only in control but maintained control as well.

And the big bit - I was comfortable the whole way through.

To have done that comfortably and happily means quite a bit to me. It offers a future with something in it. A future with some memories in it, some happy memories, maybe some sad too but memories all the same.

Now it's time to get the kettle on - again!!!

Sunday morning

The sun is out and I'm feeling good. No alcohol for, oh, a day or three and it's good. It's good for me and it's good for my pocket.

Tea, coffee, juice, whatever - does me no harm and doesn't cripple my pocket in quite the same way so I'll just carry on carrying on you know!!!

Coffee???

Life's looking better

Had an epileptic seizure (tonic-clonic) on Thursday so have spent  a good bit of time in bed, resting. Any excuse, eh.

Because of the mood that I'm in, I'm looking forward to an alcohol-free life. It costs nothing in money, just a little heart required. I think I'll stay this way though. I did it for thirteen months before. I will do it for longer this time around. It made me a better man then, I can get better still.

I will get it better, there's a bet on that.

Better get the kettle on!!!

I'll cut the grass

Doesn't really matter what I said earlier, it's changed a bit - a big bit. I really could do with a bloody drink, for no other reason than the fact that I'm an alcoholic.

It's pathetic. I'm an adult with a mind of my own. Four years ago I gave up smoking. No problem, no fuss there but alcohol is a different ball game isn't it.

I'm not suffering the sweats that a lack of alcohol can so often inflict. I don't have a dose of the shakes either, again so often inflicted by a lack of alcohol. Mentally though, I need a drink.

The thoughts continue, they go round and round in the little mind and drive you to the pub or the off-licence, wherever.

I'll put the kettle on and try to keep my mind elsewhere. The grass needs cut.

I'll have a cuppa and get the lawnmower out.

Even I can't come to much harm with a lawnmower.

I slept in

Slept in today. I can live with that, it means that I got a good nights sleep - without any alcohol.

I won't drink today, it's my worst enemy - or enema, depending on how you look at it. I might miss it a bit but that won't do me any harm. It'll make me moan and groan but that's life.

Time to get the kettle on.

Without alcohol.

Not always as easy as all that

I got out of hospital yesterday (and was delighted to leave) and have not had another seizure since. I have to live with the fact that the consumption of alcohol encourages me to suffer from more seizures than anything else.

That in itself is difficult because, as an alcoholic, it makes life hard to say the least. But it also puts the truth on the table.

I am not only an alcoholic, I am also an epileptic and there appears to be a link. If I get pissed then there is a great chance that I will suffer more seizures than I would if I remained sober. Staying sober does not get rid of the problem totally but it can possibly improve the situation.

Think that I'll have a cup of tea - and no alcohol - so if you see me shaking or sweating, please don't point.

Tuesday - and no complaints

Late Tuesday morning now and, God forbid, no complaints. Feeling fine today, probably got something to do with the lack of alcohol. Now let's see what's going now?

How long will sobriety last this time. Having been sober for thirteen months before it shouldn't be that difficult.

Better remember that.

Drunk again

Spent Saturday, Sunday and most of  the day of Monday in hospital after suffering a few seizures brought on by the consumption of too much alcohol during the day and evening on Saturday. Perhaps it's time to learn my lesson (perhaps I should have learnt it already) but that's life as we know it.

No drink now, no falls by the wayside, no making a complete tit of myself.

Sober life ahead.

There really is not much for me to say

There really is not much for me to say tonight.

That's it, I'm pissed, I'm drinking, what more can I say.

Saturday

It's Saturday and I'm suffering from Friday afternoon spent waiting for the bus. Waiting in the pub and unfortunately not drinking lemonade or coffee or anything sensible like that. No, drinking the usual - cider and whisky - and suffering because of it.

I'll try not to use alcohol as a cure for the hangover.

I've fallen by the wayside

Yesterday there was a good dose of depression hovering around and unfortunately this has a habit of leading me in the direction of alcohol. It did it again, it was the winner, not me. I had a couple of drinks in the pub while waiting for the bus to take me home.

Socially speaking, I didn't have too much. I didn't fall over, wet myself or pass out and I remained chatty and relatively friendly but on a personal level, well, on a personal level I had far too much. Personally, any alcohol is too much for me and by drinking any at all yesterday means that I've fallen by the wayside.

I drank a couple of tins of cider and a couple of whisky's, not enough to get me singing but certainly enough to disappoint me.

Today I will not fail myself.

Today I will remain alcohol-free regardless of how the day goes, regardless of how my heart feels.

Today, I will not drink alcohol.

Can't say that about tea or coffee though!!!

Seeing another doctor

After writing the last post in the library, I got the first bus that I could most of the way home and as usual, after getting off the bus I walked with my thumb out. One of my neighbours was good enough to pick me up and bring me about seven or eight miles home.

When I got in I found a letter telling me that I have an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow. This doctor specialises in the link between alcoholism and depression and as I have suffered from both for many years but the connection between the two has never been acknowledged or recognised, this could be very interesting.

It is surprising, on looking back at the times that life got bad, how I appear to have dealt with it. I got pissed, guttered, drunk, whatever so perhaps there is something in this.

I'll keep you posted.

Up early this morning

Up early this morning as I had a hospital appointment first thing. I jumped on the bus at seven-thirty and was at the hospital by nine o'clock - with a bit of a shake, I'm sure that, thinking of alcohol, you can guess why.


I did not get dealt with at hospital because of the condition that I was in. The worst part? The strongest that I drank this morning, yesterday, the last two weeks? Coffee.


That's part of drying out, you've got to face the rough with the smooth I suppose. I return on Friday and with any luck I will be in a suitable state to be dealt with.


I will be sober then too.


I hope that I don't carry on shaking.

I want a drink

I feel crap.

I feel crap and it's caused by addiction to alcohol, alcoholism if you like and I know how to cure it. The method that I would use is 100% successful but - big but here - it leaves a hangover for you to enjoy tomorrow.


Why do I feel crap? Probably because I want a drink - and that, to be honest is the last thing that will do me any favours. And if I drink any alcohol, no doubt with the intention of having just the one, just a small whisky or whatever, then it'll be the old story, the one that I've been through a few times - maybe more often than just a few times - the one small drink will be the bottle followed by unconsciousness and tomorrow, well then I'll come to and get some more to deal with the hangover and on it goes.


I'll stay away from it - I'd better stay away from it because if I don't - because if not then it's all downhill.


I cannot allow myself to forget that.

Yesterday was a pretty shit day!!!

Sunday, yesterday, was a pretty shit day and today is not exactly perfect!!!

Don't worry, I wasn't led astray, I didn't drink alcohol. The epilepsy struck - a Complex Partial seizure I think but I may be wrong as there was no witness to confirm this. It is difficult to be definite about it because I was unconcious, out of it and slept for hours. Will probably go back to bed for a bit more sleep after I've had a cup of coffee.

Got to look on the bright side though - I did nothing to cause a hangover, so I'm still on the right side of sobriety!!!

Are you too?

Sure, there were thoughts

Friday came and went without much of a problem alcohol-wise. Sure, there were thoughts passing through my little mind, thoughts like "Oh, wouldn't mind a pint!!!" or "Just have time to pop in for a large one before the bus leaves." but they weren't that difficult to deal with.


These thoughts will last a while yet but they'll get smaller and smaller. That is what happened when I was off the drink for over a year, it got easier and easier as time passed.


But I made a mistake then, I had a small dramn to celebrate my time off the drink and that was followed by a large one, and maybe a pint and another large one and the story goes on.


Now, I'm a bit further up the learning curve, I'm very aware of the mistakes that have been made and am determined not to make them again. In all honesty, I'm a bit annoyed with myself, annoyed that it went down the pan in the manner that it did, you know, straight back to the old ways - albeit off and on - but still, a return to the old road to hell.


So, the answer to this lesson is simple. I cannot allow myself to forget that I am an alcoholic and always will be - so remember - stick to the soft drinks, the teas and the coffees - they do me no harm.


I am an alcoholic, I do not drink alcohol.

Friday

It's Friday lunchtime and I've just been to the hospital for an appointment regarding problems with my skin. I was seen early, which was great but it leaves me with longer to wait for the bus home.

The bus that I'll get to take me up the road leaves at 17.10 this afternoon and it's now 13.15, four hours to wait. I am very glad that the library offers internet access, it gives me something to do, other than sitting in the pub, consumming alcohol all afternoon, which is a very large benefit for me (and my pocket).

The problem regarding alcoholism is getting further and further under control (again) and this time (just like every time before!!!) my intention is to stay off the drink until the day I keel over, on my way out for the last time, dying. If it is definately the trip out then I may ask for a wee dramn but I'll need to be pretty sure of myself because if I do that by mistake, or by excuse, then I'm on the road downhill again.

When I get home I'll have something to eat and, if the weather is good, I'll sit in the garden with the laptop. If the good weather is gone then I'll stay inside on the desktop. Either way I can not only sit and write but can also remain in contact with humanity as I know it.

That will keep me away from any drink-related problems.

I wish that alcohol had never made a pass at me, picked me up and kept me in such a crap relationship - lasting how many decades and wasting how much money?

These thoughts make me weep!!!

Moving forward

This morning I was up and out of bed bright and early because, again, I was on the early bus into town. There was no sign of a hangover which means that the tea that I drank last night did me no harm, even with two sugars!!!

I’m going to be in town for most of the day so I had better remember that I am no longer a practicing alcoholic – because I no longer take alcoholic drink. Admittedly it is sometimes appealing, perhaps a little more than just appealing – but it is nowhere near appealing enough to take part in again.

It better stay this way for life, as I do not want to take this route again. I must admit that the damage it has done is huge and I do not want to go any further towards rock-bottom.

Won’t be particularly easy to remain on target. I have found in the past that coming off alcohol leads to temper tantrums, tears, shakes and all the other pains but I know in my soul that I'm better off without any drink.


Neither tea nor coffee make me shake, sweat or weep. Alcohol is different. 

Four days since the last drink of alcohol

It's now Wednesday, which I can proudly say makes it four days since the last drink of alcohol - and that will be the last drink of alcohol.


We're only halfway through the day though and it has not been all smooth though, not at all.


A hospital appointment meant that I was up first thing to catch the early bus that would get me into town so that I could get my skin dealt with and that was done and dusted without any problem. Then I always choose to get the next bus north, the problem being that it leaves half an hour after the pub opens. I sat at the bus station and waited.


The next problem is that the bus drops me off twelve miles from home so, as usual, I started walking with the thumb out, hoping for a lift. I actually got two lifts and was home really quickly so a round of applause for the two gentlemen that were kind enough to pick me up and take me up the road.


I'm going to spend a good bit of time cooking this afternoon, which is always an effective way of keeping me out of trouble and will stop starvation for a few days.


If there are any problems then I'll sit down at the computer and write all about it. Fingers crossed that I can stay quiet.

Three days off the drink

The last day that I drank alcohol was Saturday and it's now Tuesday. I feel like I still have a hangover, or perhaps a touch of the flu maybe. Whatever, I still feel crap but that is no excuse to use alcohol ever again. I've certainly proved to myself that I cannot cope with it, I cannot handle alcohol, I cannot have what the vast majority of people see as "A couple of drinks."

I go wild on it and that is not acceptable, is it?

Therefore, I no longer drink alcohol.


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I went to bed sober

I didn't give in last night.

I went to bed completely sober and got very little sleep but I did not give in. I lay there, sweating profusely and stuck it out, drinking no alcohol at all.

Then, I can't believe it but then, I slept in. I was about three and a half hours late in getting out of my bed but I am on the right track. I intend to stick it out, to do myself a favour and stop drinking alcohol totally. I don't suppose that it will be painless, it certainly hasn't been to date but you have to do the best that you can for yourself and if it hurts or causes problems then you just have to struggle on, in my case moaning and greeting incessantly.

I have spent so much time in the past, cutting down, giving up, farting around and making excuses for a quick pint or a large whisky, using often completely ridiculous excuses, believed by no-one but this time I have to stay on track, remain sober, alcohol-free, whatever you choose to call it, for the rest of my natural.

No regrets, no complaints, only the bright light of sobriety saving me, dragging me out of the shit that I have dug myself into.

I no longer drink alcohol.

It'll be a bugger of a night!!!

I won't drink tonight - well, I won't drink anything other than coffee or tea, perhaps some juice if there is any left in the fridge. I won't go to the pub, regardless of how I feel about the sweating and the shaking that is coming on now. If I were to go to the pub then a wee dramn would take the edge of off it tonight and then I would have another large one, just in case, of course, that I hadn't had enough. Or I could consider a carry-out perhaps and then turn to shite in the comfort of my own home.

I would enjoy it of course, spending all that I possibly could until I ran out of cash - and then - well someone might offer me one or perhaps I would have whatever I had bought at home and I'd be, as usual, half-pissed, perhaps not just half-pissed, waking up tomorrow feeling like shit, incapable of facing the day.

No, tonight I think (hopefully) that I shall hang on to the little bit of sense that I'm doing my best to put up with and remain at home, sober and wake up tomorrow in a condition that is at least good enough to cope with the world - and not look like a complete twit, stoating up the road to get something more that's alcoholic, to maintain the belief that I don't have a hangover like hell.

No, tea, coffee, whatever - wish me luck!!!

Alcoholism

I am an alcoholic.

It is nothing to be proud of but it is true, that is me, that is my life, my life very much revolves around it. Sometimes it is the only thing in my life.

I have been one for many years now, probably since the age of around eighteen years of age and I'm now forty-nine. It's a long time to spend pissing it up, isn't it!!!

For many years I just did not accept the fact that I'm an alcoholic, telling people, including myself, that "I'm just a heavy drinker." Bullshit, pure, unadulterated bullshit. I am an alcoholic and wish that I had the sense to accept that two or three decades ago.

There has been time spent off the demon drink. In 2009 - 2010, I managed to stay off the drink for thirteen months but since then it has been coming and going, a month here, a couple of months there. This is rather frustrating as the intention to stay off the drink is there but lately I've been falling by the wayside here and there - and it has been happening more and more often.

And the annoyance, the irritation, the anger that it causes really is infuriating as I accept that I'm an alky and therefore have to stay off the drink, it is not a reasonable thing for me to do, to have a drink here and there as a normal person would do. It would be great if I could but the truth is, because of the situation that I am in, I have to accept that I am not a normal person. Again, the truth is that I cannot have a couple of drinks, either in the pub and then go home, or at home, in front of the computer bfore I go to bed. No, in whatever situation that involves alcohol I pour as much as possible down my throat and the immediate effect of that, once I have become drunk of course, is that I suffer epileptic seizures, caused by the excess of alcohol that I consume.

I have been to Alcoholics Anonomous, the problem being that inthe area that I live in they will say prayers, and as an active non-believer, I find that rather irrelevent. I do use a forum on-line which is good for me as it is available 24/7. I'm sure that you understand how helpful that is because when the need comes over the forum is there for me. If it of any help to you then try http://www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk where there are a number of means of help for you. Personally, I use the forum and do find it useful for me.

But - and it is a big but - at present it is difficult. I have fallen by the wayside a good number of times recently and I cannot explain the reasoning behind it. I accept the fact that I am an alky and I accept the fact that I have to, for the benefit of not only my pocket but my health as well, stay away from alcoholic drink as I cannot consume a sensible amount, regardless how hard I try or how many promises I make to myself. I am not able to drink sensibly at all, therefore, no alcohol.

The largest problem though is staying of the damn drink.

Any suggestions will be gratefully received. Please, any ideas as things at present are getting more than just difficult. Things are at the stage where they are more damaging and destructive than they have ever been before and the way out of this problem, the escape route is getting smaller and smaller - to the stage where there is no get-out - and that means, to me anyway, no hope.

Christ, I need a drink, not just because I'm deperate but because it is now Monday and I am still suffering from Saturdays alcohol-induced hangover and alcohol will deal with that more effectively than anything else. It's wrong of me to go that way but...........